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RELATIONSHIP: Help me through the most painful time in my life
Article #: 256127
Category: Relationship
Original Letter
I'm 4 months pregnant with a man I don't want to be with. My life is a mess. A little backstory: I met James a couple years ago when we were living abroad. (I'm 25, he's 26.) He's from California and I'm from Canada. We dated on and off for nearly 2 years. The reason I say on and off is because although we had some good moments, our relationship was full of a lot of misunderstandings, confusion and some pain. We had a lot of fights and I never truly believed he would end up being my husband one day. We didn't bond very well on an emotional level, most of our spark was sexual. We had a lust for eachother that still isn't gone, but the honest and sad truth is we're not eachothers' soul mate. A few months ago, I became pregnant with his child. We were then working and living together in Australia. We've decided to keep the baby, which has meant that I've moved back to Canada to sort my life out while he keeps earning money in Aus. What makes this most complicated is that I'm in love with another man. This other man is my soulmate in every way. We're best friends and have explored the romantic side to our relationship when my boyfriend and I were not together. I know that I'd be happy if we got married and ultimately, he is who I want to be with. No doubt in my mind on this one. Both of these men are fully aware of the situation. The second man, Chris is in love with me too and willing to take things slow between us and never get in the way of the true father. He wants to ultimately end up with me and love my child as his own and have more children with me. This is what I want too. James however, is devastated and heartbroken that I want to be with someone else. He's been crying for days, saying that he wants to die and part of him already is dead. He can't fathom the though that his child may live on the other side of the continent with the girl who left him and the man she left him for. He's in a LOT of pain right now and there are NO words for how guilty and terrible I feel about it. Part of me feels I should try to work things out with him, for this reason. But it would mean throwing away a real shot I have at being happy. I'm trying to be honest and true to myself, but all I'm doing right now is causing pain. Meanwhile, I have a baby coming and am trying to sort my life out for that. I feel like a screw up in life and that I've ruined everything. I can't stop crying and all I want to do is find out step by step how to fix the mess I've created and to make things ultimately end up well. Should I try to work things out with the father even though I was mostly unhappy with him and will probably regret losing my soulmate over it? Or should I be with my soulmate if I'm sure I'd be happiest that way, but therefore always feel guilty for the pain I've caused James? I haven't a clue anymore. Any words of wisdom, advice would be helpful. No mean comments or critisisms please. I have never been in so much pain in my life. Thank you for reading through and I very much look forward to hearing from you.
Elder Response
Well, Kristin, from your letter there is no doubt that you are in an incredibly difficult situation in your life. Although I cannot share your pain and your guilt, I can certainly appreciate how you are feeling. I hope what I have to say makes sense to you and is helpful in sorting this out.
There is no question that you are facing a life-changing decision. And I know that you want that decision to be the best possible decision for everyone; yourself, James, Chris, and your unborn child. My advice is to stay with Chris. He seems to me to be the right choice...I am very impressed by his willingness to not get in the way of James and his relationship with the child, but to love you and the child as his own and to have more children. Guys like that do not come along every day.
James seems to be in quite a state over what is happening - devastated, heartbroken, and unable to come to terms with the situation. It seems to be all about him...and I recognize that may well be quite unfair,but that is my impression. You know him well and my opinion may well be way off base.
No matter. I think quite strongly that trying to work things out with him due to your guilt and his pain is a poor choice. And if you do so, I think that you will regret it for many reasons.
The pain, the guilt, the emotional trauma are all very strong right now - and they will be for some time. But trust me when I say that the guilt, the pain, and the emotional trauma will fade over time. They may even go away.
I think that you are an intelligent and insightful woman, Kristin and you are in an emotional and difficult time. Pregnancy itself is no small thing, and you will be dealing with other issues as well. Any decisions that can be put off until the future should be...focus on one day at a time. You will work your way through this.
If you want to discuss this further, please contact me.
Good luck.
Best Regards,
Texas-Grandpa