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FAMILY: Mom's abusive boyfriend
Article #: 256172
Category: Family
Original Letter
I am currently 15 years old and living with my mom. She has been “dating“ a guy about five years older then her for about 8 years. He is currently beating her almost every night. She tells him to leave and he says he will but in the end doesn't. He is a complete and total mooch, he doesn't pay for ANY bills and has a personal card to my mom's money. He drinks EVERY night blowing her money away. She calls the cops to try and get him to leave to try and show me she's serious about wanting him to leave, but ultimately she doesn't. She protects him. For example I came home one night from a friend's and she had been beaten to the point of stitches. He had been sent to jail and she bailed him out!! Anyway to the point, I want to know how to get him out, against or with my mom's wishes. She's ruining her life and she needs to move on. I hate him.
Elder Response
I am so sorry you are in such a difficult situation. Since this relationship has been going on for so many years, I think it is possible that your mother doesn't recognize the damage she is doing to herself or, more importantly, to you. As her daughter, you should be her first and main concern, not an abusive boyfriend.
In my opinion, you need to get away from this extremely dangerous situation so I advise you to go to your school guidance counselor on Monday. School guidance counselors do much more than help students get into college. They are there to help students, like you, who are coping with a dangerous home situation.
I am sorry that your mother cannot protect herself or you from this dangerous man. My first concern is for you to be safe and you are not safe as long as you remain with your mother. I know you probably feel you need to be there to protect her, but as long as she remains in an abusive relationship, by choice, there really is nothing you can do. She would be better off if she would go to a battered women's shelter where you both would be safe. Unfortunately, calling the police, having him arrested, and then bailing him out of jail doesn't solve any problems. As you can see, it probably just escalates an already tense situation because the boyfriend depends on her to rescue him. Sadly there is no one to rescue your mother. Not even you can rescue her from herself.
Have you ever heard the phrase "We teach others how to treat us"? I think that is true and your mother has taught her boyfriend how to treat her. She lets him get away with spending her money and beating her. You have already recognized that it is an extremely abusive relationship. You mentioned visiting a friend; I suggest you talk to your friend's mother about all this privately. Maybe you could stay with your friend for a few nights until all this gets sorted out through your guidance counselor. I just want you to be safe. You sound like such a lovely girl and you really don't deserve all this danger and turmoil in your life. It is difficult enough being a teenager without a destructive home life added on. I'm just so sorry that this destructive relationship has been part of your life for so long.
I hope you know that your mother's decisions are not your decisions. I truly believe you will make good solid decisions regarding relationships because you have witnessed the poor decisions made by your mother. I bet you have said to yourself a million times, "I'm not going to do what my mother has done." You won't as long as you stay focused on your school work, get good grades and go to college. Sometimes I think women end up in these dead-end relationships because they just don't think they can do any better. That just isn't true. Remember, we teach others how to treat us. I'm sure you will teach others to treat you with love and respect. You deserve the best and so does your mother, she just doesn't realize it.
I hope my advice is helpful. I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best. Remember, your friend's mom, the guidance counselor and a favorite teacher want to help you and do what is in your best interest. Please don't doubt me on this.
Please contact Elder Wisdom Circle again if you need us. We are always here for you.
Best Regards,
Terry-Anne