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RELATIONSHIP: Is it normal? Post sex regret
Article #: 262037
Category: Relationship
Original Letter
I'm 17 and I've been wondering if it's normal to feel dirty after sex? He is the only boy I slept with and I feel gross afterwards. We've been together for a year. One time he wanted to do it and I didn't. The lights were out so he couldn't see but I cried the whole time while he did what he wanted. It hurt so much. He still doesn't know about it. I never told him. He dumped me recently out of nowhere, and it just makes me feel even more disgusting. I love him with all my heart, I don't know why I'm feeling this way.
Elder Response
Of course, only you can finally figure out why you feel gross or dirty after sex. But I will make some suggestions to you that you might consider. After you have thought about it, you might write back to us and explore the issue further.
Many of us are raised to feel that sex is "dirty" and there is shame attached to it. Girls and women in particular are often taught to feel guilty about having sex. Might this play a part in your feelings?
You say that you are 17 and you have been with this boy for one year; could it be that you are not ready for sex yet? Different people get ready at different times in their lives. Many young women older than you have never had sex because they don't feel ready. Might this be a part of your struggle?
When you say you feel disgusting you are indicating that you have a deep moral objection to what you have done. This says to me that you need to let sex go for a while until you are older and until you are ready.
Yes, it is normal for a person to feel disgusted with themselves when they are put in a position where they have to do something they deeply don't want to do because the person they care for insists upon it.
I wonder if this guy you cared about didn't use you for his own sexual pleasure while not bothering to take into account your feelings? I wonder if part of your disgust arises from being used and then abandoned?
It is a terrible thought, but can it be true?
I hope we hear from you again; and I hope you will find strength to say no and the peace to move on.
Best Regards,
John-G