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FAMILY: Is it me or him?
Article #: 262206
Category: Family
Original Letter
My husband and I have been married for 2 years and on and off for 4. Since we've been married I have found pictures of his ex's, text messages and I have also caught him talking to one of them and he always lied about it. I don't think we're out of the honeymoon stage yet but sex is very scarce, but last week I found porn. We have 3 kids together. I do everything around the house and more. So when I thought I wasn't doing enough I started changing things. I've always worn lingerie and lipstick to bed but now I don't know what else to do. Is he into me?
Elder Response
I am so sorry you are caught up in such a devastating and conflicting situation. Certainly conflicts such as these should not be evident in such a young marriage. In my opinion, you are beyond the "honeymoon" stage. I would say that there are several behaviors your husband has exhibited that indicate a serious problem. Problems more serious than if he is still interested in you.
Lack of sexual interest in someone so young is disturbing. Add lying and viewing pornography and the difficulties just increase. In my opinion, you are in a serious situation. You need to consider your children and the example their father is setting for them. I know they are young now, but they notice more than you think they do.
I think the fact that he has pornography in the home is disturbing. I am going to give you some information about pornography, but only to inform you as to what your husband may be doing. I don't mean to shock or hurt you, but make you aware of the dangers and consequences of this behavior. From what you have already said, I see some possibly harmful behavior by your husband.
You have already noticed some "red flags" in the fact that he has photos of his ex girlfriends, text messages, lying, and pornography. Also a lack of interest in sex with you. First of all if he isn't interested in you sexually, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. He may have become so interested in pornography that he is now fantasizing about his ex girlfriends. He may feel constrained by marriage and children. Viewing pornography may be how he relieves stress. You didn't mention if this pornography is in the the form of magazines or computer and it really doesn't matter. He may be masturbating while looking at the pictures which isn't uncommon, and that would explain his lack of interest in sex with you.
There are some things you really should know about pornography. First of all it is not a harmless pasttime. It is a secretive pasttime and that is why he may be hiding porn. Certainly lying about the women and text messages is damaging to your relationship and pornography is very destructive because it is highly addictive. If he continues to look at porn, he may become desensitized and look for more graphic pictures. I suggest you go to www.pornaddictioninfo.com for more information. You really can't ignore this behavior since you have children and it would be damaging and hurtful to them if they saw the pictures.
You sound like a lovely woman who never thought she would be facing this type of problem. I assure you that you are not alone. Until you find out more about what is going on with your husband, I suggest you practice patience and kindness. It never hurts and it may help. It would probably be helpful if you talked to him privately about what you know and ask him to tell you the truth. Fighting, yelling and carrying on never solved a problem. Be aware that he may deny the truth of your findings. This is natural. Calmly explain that this behavior cannot go on and you need the truth so you can both start to heal.
I think it would also be helpful if you both identified your goals for the future; both personally and as a couple. Sometimes couples get so caught up in taking care of children and the house that they forget that they were a couple first. Your relationship needs to be nurtured and cared for so visiting a marriage counselor to help you would be a good idea. He may have mistakenly thought that going outside the marriage for attention would be helpful. It isn't, because it weakens the marital bonds. You will be most helpful if you demonstrate your willingness to admit and confront the problems in your marriage. Remember you can't change your husband. The only person you can change is you. If there are changes you need to make, then you can make them thereby demonstrating to your husband that you are willing to work with him to improve your relationship.
I hope my advice is helpful and that you will contact Elder Wisdom Circle again if you need us. I will be thinking of you and hoping for the best.
Best Regards,
Terry-Anne