A letter writer feels she has to date a friend because her parents like him… but he makes her feel nauseous and stressed. Is she overreacting?
Absolutely not, says our elder — his controlling behavior is a big red flag.
There is this guy that I have known for a while. We are really good friends, and a few months ago he told me that he likes me. I don’t feel the same. I said that I just wanted to be friends and focus on my career as I am about to go to college to be an aerospace engineer. He said he understood. Flash forward to a couple of weeks ago, I found out that he went behind my back and talked to my mom and dad about dating me and asking me to prom. They said yes for me and I had no choice but to go with him.
The entire night he stood by my side, which was fine; we were dates. But I’m very social and have tons of friends (both guys and girls) and he would get mad and annoyed when I would go say hi or they would come up and strike a conversation. When dancing, he would put his arms around my waist from behind and would squeeze me and try to have me dance on him. I felt very uncomfortable and made many excuses to try and leave to go take pictures or have water. I just wanted one dance with my girlfriends but no matter where I went for some air he would always find me.
My friends and I were talking about this guy that we know and we mentioned me having his number to ask about an after party and when my date heard about it, he demanded my cell phone and wanted to have the passcode. I basically told him to go f*** himself. When slow dancing he held me close, which my mom told me that I had to dance with him no matter what. My parents love him. But I was not really feeling good about this and multiple times he tried to kiss me. I went to an after-party later and the entire time he was blowing up my phone.
The morning after, he said he was in love with me and doesn’t want me dating any other guy in college no matter what, and that he wants to make it work. I’m a very independent person and have been all my life so at this point I felt like I was given rules by someone that I did not even belong to. He said that I was the only thing that keeps him going and from doing bad things and that without me he would do things he regrets. I told him once again that I just want to be friends and that he was guilt tripping me. I have a weird feeling about how this is going to play out. Am I just overreacting? Should I just try and date him to see if it’ll work? Every time I think about being with him in that way it makes me stressed and nauseous. My parents say go for it. My friends say that despite all of that we would be a cute couple. Am I wrong? What should I do?
His behavior is not respectful.
First, he went behind your back to your parents so you were forced to go with him. He showed no respect to you.
The next thing is how controlling he was during the prom. This one is the one to be concerned about. You need to tell your parents of his actions during the prom. Don’t go along with it to see if “it’ll work”. The indicators do not look good. If you go out with him and find out you do not want to be with him and at that point it may be very difficult for him to accept it because he may be more attached to you. He will, most likely, be more controlling. That behavior can be very destructive to you.
Don’t allow him to make you feel guilty if you do not go out with him anymore. He is using that to control you.
You are not supposed to feel stressed in a relationship. You feel that way because you are not comfortable with him. Tell that to your friends and to your parents. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel obligated to go out with him. Actually, I am not saying no to talk to him but don’t go out with him under any type of scenario. You take a risk for him to force you to do something you do not like if you are alone with him. Remember what he did at the prom. Can you imagine what he will try to do if you are alone?
The bottom line? You are not overreacting.
I hope this reply helped you. Do feel free to write if you have any further questions. We welcome your feedback to let you know how you are doing also. I hope it all works out for the best but remember that it is in your hands to control your destiny with him. Be assertive and be happy.
Letter #: 421548