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Hubby cheated with trans women

I thought we had the perfect marriage… but then I found his WhatsApp messages.

Should I stay with my cheater husband? You’ve had a shock, says our elder. Take time to grieve before you decide what to do.

Dear EWC

My best friend of 13 years and husband of three years has been messaging and seeing trans women. We have had the perfect love story and perfect marriage thus far. It is pure, he loves me so much and does so much for me, and I have shaped him into a better man. We have never had any issues except shortly after marriage our sex life was quite dull. We would only have sex once or twice a month but when we did it was good it was passionate. I just figured he’s not much of a sexy guy and I didn’t mind once or twice a month as that’s what I got accustomed to with our busy schedules.

Early this week we had finished up playing tennis and I needed his phone to transfer a picture to myself on WhatsApp. I noticed a chat with a picture of a woman an unknown number and I proceeded to open the chat. He asked her, hey how much for your time? I immediately asked him what is this ? He was hesitating and said it’s just for waxing. I knew he was lying because he doesn’t wax; he does laser hair removal. He was panicking and starting to drive fast at this point, and I wanted to get home safe. I Googled the number and it turned out to be an escort from a local ‘shemale escort’ website. Once we got home he admitted this is something he does when he masturbates to finish off. That he messages and blocks them immediately after the message. Of course I don’t believe him. I’m furious. I check his blocked list and there are several more local escorts he had messaged and blocked. I could not retrieve those messages.

He went to work that night so I decided to check his emails. I noticed five years ago he was subscribed to ‘shemale porn’. I also noticed an email from before we got married. In that email he had responded to a Craigslist ad that said “horny shemale looking for young student”. He sent his pics and number. I confronted him and he continued with the same story but was crying, begging and pleading that he will seek help, to not leave him, that I’m the best thing that has happened to him, etc, etc. He assured me he didn’t see anyone during marriage and it was just once before marriage. He’s unable to explain to me why he goes to trans women.

The following day I told him I’m going to have you do a lie detector test so it’s better you tell me now if you have seen any trans women during our marriage. He admitted to see one in November. I am broken and completely shattered. I feel like there’s more. I feel like this can continue — how can a man suddenly drop and change his habits? I don’t want to check his phone and location constantly for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be this miserable person. I don’t know if I can forgive him. I don’t know if I eventually should.

We were planning to start trying for kids soon but there is absolutely no way that I would want that now and it makes me furious that such a big plan of my life is being put away. He says he’s attracted to me like I said when we have sex it’s great but then why is he going outside and seeking something else? I am so lost I don’t know who to talk to because everyone loves him and is close with him and it’s an embarrassing situation. I just need to know you think this is something that will continue? Do you think I should walk out while I’m young and successful and not dependent or have any children? Please help me!

Folk replies

I can well understand your hurt and confusion. You’ve been with your husband for 13 years and thought you knew everything about him. Then you found out that he had cheated on you at least once with a trans woman escort. Although you still love your husband and he still loves you, you are not sure that you can just forgive him and move on. You are also not sure that you can trust him to stay away from trans women in the future. At this point, you are seriously considering leaving him; but before you make a final decision, you would like a second opinion about what to do from someone who is not emotionally involved.

It’s no wonder you are feeling shattered. As upsetting as this discovery must have been for you though, it’s important to remember that it does not mean that your husband doesn’t love you, isn’t attracted to you, or does not want to continue to be married to you. Nor does it change the fact that your husband has been your best friend for 13 years. What your discovery does mean though is that your husband is strongly sexually attracted to trans women. If his attraction to them were not a powerful one, he would not have risked discovery by having sex with them. So, although your husband may sincerely intend to keep his promise to get help and to stop seeing these women, it is a promise that he will very likely not be able to keep.

Sexual attraction is a part of who we are, but we do not get to choose who we are attracted to. I can’t tell you why your husband is attracted to trans women; I just know that he is. But this doesn’t make him a bad person. We all have our secrets, after all — private things about ourselves that we are too ashamed to share with others. Your husband did not tell you about his attraction to trans women because he was too embarrassed by it, the same way that you are too embarrassed to talk about it with any of your relatives or friends. Now though, he has finally opened up to you about his ‘secret life’. True, he did not tell you about it until you discovered the truth for yourself; and even then he did not admit to being with anyone after your marriage until you threatened him with a lie detector test. I’m afraid though that I suspect the same thing you do: that he has been with trans women more times than he has admitted to you.
You are probably wondering if this means your husband is gay or bisexual. It’s possible that he may be, but almost half of cisgender men who have relationships with trans women identify as heterosexual. Unsurprisingly, this is because they view trans women as women. In the end though, how your husband identifies sexually is not as important as the kind of man he is. Knowing what you now know about your husband, you now have to decide if he is the kind of man you want to be married to and have children with.

Your husband’s attraction to trans women is not something he chose — and it is not something he can change. He can choose not to act on this attraction, but the attraction itself will always be there. If you feel that you can accept your husband for who he is, you may choose to continue your marriage. If, however, you feel that you are unable to accept his attraction to trans women, you may choose to move on. There is no one choice here that is right for everybody. Only you know what you can happily live with and what you cannot. For what it’s worth, I can tell you that I don’t think I could live contently with a man who cheated on me with paid escorts — trans or otherwise. The temptation to cheat would always be there for him, and I would be afraid of his contracting an STD and passing it on to me. But, of course, you are not me, and you may feel very differently about the situation than I do.

I think you are facing a very tough decision. Up until very recently, you believed that you had the “perfect love story” and the “perfect marriage.” Right now, you may be mourning the loss of your dream of having the “perfect family.” I think you need to take some time to grieve what you have lost and to absorb the shock of your discovery. Once you have done this, I think you will know what you want to do.
I hope this helps. I am always here if you would like to talk more about this. Please write back and let me know how you are doing and what you decide to do. I will be rooting for you.

Letter #: 440727
Category: Dating/Relationship

7 Comments

  1. This is identical of my marriage of 12 years (although I will never know if he slept with one or not)
    I had to decide if I could ever live with the fetish and attraction and the constant addiction and attraction to shemales.
    The pictures he would send of himself to them and what he said he wanted to do to them.
    The shame I felt in all of it..I finally had to leave, it was never going to change.
    I am sorry for what you are going thru, and just know now, you are not alone.

    1. U are all not alone my husband of 20 years has been attracted to transvestites and escorts and he is 74, it is not a phase!!!! We will always be best friends and he is wonderful, but he will always want that life style, and there is no changing them! We r still married, but I have made myself finally happy with a lover and he still continues to see the transwomen.

  2. Some married guy Reply
    October 17, 2020

    So first off I am a married guy of 6 years and have 2 kids, let me start by saying this, your situation and these other women’s are not the same because u and them and your husband are all different ppl in totally different relationships . Now let’s look at what u may have done to cause this, and most will say nothing, but have u in fact explored all options do u perform oral sex on him, let him do what he wants sexually to u? I’m not sure if u are christians but the bible sais wives do not withhold from your husband’s and vice versa, this isn’t just meaning plain old sex, it means anything sexually because your body belongs to him and his to you. While cheating with anybody is never ok there is a reason he has fell into this obsession with trans women, maybe they give him something you are not and if it’s the anal sex part it wouldn’t be wrong if it was with his wife , and I mean u penetrating or doing anal things to him who knows maybe he has wanted that the whole 13 years and was afraid of u judging him or not accepting it. Don’t assume it’s all the man’s fault like women tend to do because they say men are like dogs, well dogs are the most faithful creatures on the planet when treated right . If u love this man yes he cheated but did u cause him to, refusing sex, not ever just initiating sex and causing him to always be the one starting things, do u just let him know how much u want him and love him in intimate ways, do u do things for him without question? I ask these things because I am a married man, while it seems I have stronger will power then your husband u can’t write him off that easy because let’s say u leave each other well ur just going to open the door for him to fall completely in with transgender women and be lost to it when as his wife u may need to save his soul from this assuming your christian woman, as well as realizing its 5050 in the blame he cheated yes and may argue and do many things but women tend to forget men aren’t as open with their feelings as women are so if there is an issue he may have tried to let u know in subtle ways u never picked up on. And of by chance u do all the things I mentioned earlier then my lady you are a perfect woman and I stand corrected he is horrible and wrong completely but I somehow doubt that u just don’t question anything he ask or u treat him the way he wants to be treated because if so he wouldn’t go outside of the relationship . Should u forgive him well yes now if u love him and want him in your life fix it find out if he wants u to be dominant tell him what to do , spit on him or in his mouth , do freaky things I mean what happens between husband and wife is ok because u are supposed to be one. If it’s the being penetrated he likes buy a strap on and y’all swap up I mean y’all do y’all. Or just say screw it like this lady did give up on ur husband of 13 wasted years you will never get back and probably won’t ever be the same from again. Lotta guys don’t wanna be with a woman that’s been married already it’s the sad truth and by that I mean stay with them, sure they will lay with you but thats a one night thing or more just for fun nothing serious and I will them be sharing yourself with many men and it will just decay your soul even more with every man, or u can just choose to leave him and be single and lonely forever it’s all your choice but if u want to be with him , we all make sacrafices in relationships trust me I make plenty , I never once have gotten oral from my wife and had I known this I wouldn’t have married her honestly but then again I wouldn’t have my beautiful son who is the joy and light of my life. We also never have sex anymore like ever and since day one I have always been the one to want sex , meaning she never acts or initiates it and that gets old quick and makes a guy thing u just don’t care . The trans thing well it looked like a girl and I’m straight as can be but I will say in today’s world there are weirdly enough trans women that look a million times better then birth women physically except for that one body part. Did u let yourself go change anything do u ask what he likes, I made sure I told my wife all of my quirks up front so she couldn’t say anything ever , she’s left me once for a bit not long because I smoked weed, which I did before she met me and never would have met her if I hadn’t because I smoked with her brother and that’s how I met her. They were also racist, not her , and when they found out about us tried to fight me , I beat the breaks off of em in front of her cause it’s what they ask for . Then at 17 they moved her off and me a young mixed boy didn’t know what I did wrong and hated myself for my skin color cried to myself every night bc the love of my life and woman at 15 I planned to marry had left me no trace, years go by and I find her at a gas station she doesn’t see me but she’s in the car with another man and I seen she’s pregnant ,😔🥺 I now my head and get in car and leave only to hear he beats her, and is very very mean and on drugs bad drugs not pot. So I randomly message her on facebook when it was new and she responds quickly because I too was her love as well after all that time. Point of all that is I was her first should have been her last but now I have a daughter , the baby she was pregnant with , and my son we have since had and I have been with her since our daughter was born even tho the girl doesn’t ever once call me dad or act like I am and several other things have happened but we all gotta deal with stuff and get over it trust me atleast he didn’t go off and get a girl pregnant and now has a kid with another woman, think of that, and I’m sure as a man he would never turn down sex with u if u just jumped on top or dust got in bed and started giving him oral … Think about all that and don’t listen to any other woman cause all ur gonna get is the sad side and the woman side this was the man’s side I hope God blesses y’all and makes it better but God doesn not controll ppl so that will be up to y’all he can help but not make it happen for you!!!

  3. U are all not alone my husband of 20 years has been attracted to transvestites and escorts and he is 74, it is not a phase!!!! We will always be best friends and he is wonderful, but he will always want that life style, and there is no changing them! We r still married, but I have made myself finally happy with a lover and he still continues to see the transwomen.

  4. So I came here to find some type of answer. My husband is a liar and a cheater. We can constantly keep thinking that it’s ok but it’s not. My husband likes trannies and other women . Im really tired and don’t want to live like this anymore. I’ve confronted him, and expressed and even told him I wanted to work on our marriage. Instead he decided to go and cheat again, with another tranny. I even offered at one point to keep this a secret and act like a fake married couple, so no one will know his secret. I realized that all he ever wanted was for me to give blow jobs. At times when do have sex it’s awesome, but few and far between. I try and keep myself up, I wear different hair, eat right you name it. Everyone thinks we are this great power couple and people say they wish they had what we have. The sad part is I love him, he used to be my best friend and we’ve shared many secrets but he has one since we met that is only getting worse. I have been with other women and I wasn’t against , at first considering being a swinger with him. I’m also scared of diseases and I have been tested after I found out he cheated. My sex life is basically me watching porn, so I don’t have the urge to cheat. My self esteem is down hill at this point. I don’t sleep and constantly snooping. I know this isn’t healthy, my depression is worse. The sad part is we have only been married for 4 years and I really could use some advice. I’m extremely faithful and thought about cheating but that’s not even in my heart to do. We are financially tied to each other and right now our business isn’t doing the best so we are really helping each other get through this patch . Right now he seems to be the only one having fun, I guess. I can’t compete with a tranny at all.

    1. Administration Reply
      December 15, 2020

      Please consider going to elderwisdom.org to ask for advice as our elders do not reply through Facebook.

  5. Wife of 20 years here, together 24. Discovered he has paid 100’s of transgender prostitutes over the span of 18 years over $100k. I was always the initiator of sex and was always up to try anything new and different. The problem is he did this one time and became addicted. This is an addiction and even though he may never be able to stop thinking about it he has choices. Why couldn’t he have just looked at porn and masturbated like most married men? Still grieving the death of our marriage, the death of him as it feels like he died and is here to see how that ripped my heart out. We have 2 teenage boys and I don’t want to destroy their lives like my parents did to me. I don’t know what I am going to do but I do worry that these acts are going to land him straight in hell. He is going to church for the first time ever this morning, he will be seeing a psychiatrist in conjunction with our marriage counselor, he started taking antidepressants. This whole time he has been ok in bed but always complaining to me that he thinks his testosterone is low and it causes his sex drive to be low. Nope, just another lie he told me because he was so caught up in sex with transgender prostitutes that I was just not sufficient and due to the fact that I don’t have a penis that shows the point of climax he is generally uninterested in sex with me. Can he reprogram his brain after so many years? He claims to be attracted mainly to women (sans the bisexual blow jobs he has also sought out). He says he loves me but now I wonder if I love myself because if I did I would have an easy time throwing it away.

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