My husband is on deployment, but every time we have a call, he just looks at social media. How can I stop feeling like a failure?

You are not a failure, says our elder: There are two people in this marriage.

Dear EWC

My husband is deployed and this our sixth one we have been through together. We have done a lot better with communicating this deployment. This is also an easy/safe deployment so he is free to have his phone on him always and has quite a bit of free time. We have a scheduled phone call during the week and did have a conversation question or topic so we had something to talk about. He stopped coming up with topics and wouldn’t really engage in the topics I came up with so we stopped. Now every time we call it’s just a check up and mostly silence. Lately, he will scroll on social media or look things up during our phone calls and I told him it really hurt my feelings he would distract himself during our phone call. It turned into a huge argument and he said I am in the wrong and overreacting.

I know I am an overly sensitive woman and am probably overbearing so I am looking for encouragement. Is there a way to stop feeling like this and not let little things get to me? I really hate the feeling of begging for him to talk to me and I really don’t like feeling like I need to prepare for divorce. I know it is extremes but if there is any advice I could get on how to handle this situation I would really appreciate it. As a side note, I have talked to the chaplin for some emotional guidance but since we are stationed overseas the help here is limited. I am hoping for kind responses since I already feel like a failure of a wife. I would love any advice on how to be a better wife and be happy in this marriage.

JensPen replies

I am so glad that you have written for some advice regarding your marriage. I congratulate you for not ignoring your feelings and wanting to face these relationship problems head-on. Let me say first and foremost you are not a failure as a wife. A successful marriage takes two people to make it work. You clearly are concerned enough to ask for some advice. Pat yourself on the back for that.

It is a little unclear from your letter whether or not you and your husband are both in the service and if you are living together or are deployed in separate countries. Actually, those points would clarify your situation a bit but in reality my advice would not change that much. The key to a successful marriage is communication. Without the ability to talk openly and freely to one another you will have a very difficult time making your relationship work.

My advice is very straightforward. You need to face your husband and have a serious, calm discussion. Ask him straight out what is going on with him. How does he feel about your marriage? Is he satisfied and fulfilled? How does he see your future? Tell him how you are feeling. Not once in your letter did you mention the word love. Are you still in love with him? Is he with you? I know that these are difficult questions and might be an uncomfortable conversation but you need to understand where you both stand in this marriage. You can’t make any decisions without having all the facts.

Good luck!

Letter #: 452884
Category: Marriage