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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Wracked with Guilt from Sleeping Around
Letter #: 397717
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

I have not felt this terrible before in my life till now. The person who I have been "seeing" have had our ups and downs. Its a little complicated situation. When I first starting talking to this person I was immature and made mistakes. See, I didn't put it together that it takes months for people to see if they wanted to date someone, so while I was seeing this person I wanted a commitment or a reassurance that I shouldn't of needed. Because then I slept around a little. 

I told this person eventually, but the fact that I did this has led the person who I want to be with to not trust me. I didn't realize he liked me so much, my morals are completely messed up I realized, why would someone want to date me if I did this? I wasn't behaving in partner material. Even though I wasn't cheating, but I should of made him aware or not sleep around and fought for the person I want. While some months past and him and I still talking, but more arguments arise, and tough situations of not trusting. 

He sat me down just yesterday and told me he needs a break, a break from me, he needs to sleep because he has dreams of me sleeping with other people. He is going back to college now and is busy and I feel lost with my life unsure and he told me that I feel like i'm not making him better because I'm not working towards anything with my life in the moment because I don't know what to do. I feel so horrible and filled with guilt. I really would appreciate some advice anything will help..

Elder Response

We all make mistakes in life, Teresa, some more painful than others; but it's important to learn from them and be able to move on. I can see you are hurting really bad right now and rather confused on what to do, but actually you have taken step one in improving your life. You have realized what you did wrong and are looking for ways to change. I admire you for this and believe, therefore, that you will become a stronger, better person.

The fact that your boyfriend is returning to college could actually be a good thing even though you hate to see him go. Once he leaves, you will have time to really think and to make decisions for yourself. It sounds to me he is suggesting perhaps you "get a life".  From what you wrote, it seems he pointed out you were not working towards anything in your own life aside from him. If I have interpreted this correctly, then I think you should take his words and act on them.

Since I know nothing about you, I have to question whether you are employed or in school or just kind of drifting along. If you are not doing anything positive for yourself, this explains why you have been going from guy to guy looking for that someone to love you and commit to you. I don't believe your past behavior shows the "real" you. As you said, you are lost.

Even though your heart is broken now, I hope you can start making plans for YOUR future and not just think of a relationship. Try to find ways to improve your everyday life - be it schooling, or employment, or anything that would interest you. If you can focus on self improvement and have dreams for your future, you will be happier.

Regarding, your friend, you need to let him go and not try to contact him all the time. I know this will be difficult, but it will make life easier for him and actually easier for you in the long run. He needs time to deal with his hurt and he needs the freedom to think of his future and career.

So, Teresa, quit beating yourself up for the mistakes you made. As I said, learn from them, vow to change, and have fun planning your future adventures. Make this a whole new beginning for yourself, ok? I know you can do it, and I wish you luck.

Best Regards,



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