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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Is this love or friendship?
Letter #: 400175
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

As a junior in college I can still vividly remember seeing him walk into the auditorium as all 400 freshmen were required to attend orientation. I saw him and I turned to my friend and said, 'I want to be his friend. He seems so different.' The uncertainty of his walk, his style, and the way he carried himself led my desire to know more. We shared similar interests: family-oriented, volleyball, and biology majors. We clicked but always on a friendship level and I was okay with that. He was romantically involved with another woman anyways.

It wasn't until he reached out to me and told me how much he enjoyed my presence and talking to me. Everything changed. I realized how much I enjoyed being around him. We shared a kiss but our intentions to be more than friends wasn't expressed. However, that kiss began an attraction and closeness that as juniors can still not be broken. He told he had feelings for me but chose to stay with his girlfriend and is still with her. Our bond is so strong that I cannot move on. He shows interest in me by asking to hang out but I don't know if I can ever see him just as a friend.

I don't know if I should continue to show my love and affection for him or distance myself. I can't wait around forever but I can't help think we were meant to be. Our friendship was so strong and close in the beginning and our kiss only heightened our emotions for one another.

Should I disregard these feelings because he chose to stay with his girlfriend or should I try harder to make him apart of my life?

Elder Response

I can see how confused you are about the guy friend.  And I know what it's like to keep hoping and fantasizing about a situation changing to what you want.  But I think you are doing yourself a disservice by waiting around for the guy.  I completely understand the friendship and the attraction aspect.  We can be attracted to all sorts of people for whatever reasons (that's one of the wonders of life).  However, he is NOT available, and it doesn't sound as if he will be any time soon.

So, you have a choice.  You can continue to pine for him and hope he comes around....therefore missing a chunk of what can be the best time of your life.  Or you can remain friends with him but start doing things, following your dreams and passions and most likely allow yourself to meet other guys who come into your life.  You have to make that decision.  But you also need to take responsibility for that decision.  I know you think you and the guy were meant to be.  And I'm not a fortune teller so I can't tell you about the future.  It's obvious he likes having you around, but not enough to date you - only to tease you.  He has the best of both worlds.  And, how would you feel if you WERE dating him and he's kissing other girls?

These are just things for you to think about.  Again, if you want to remain in the place you are and continue to hope and dream of turning him around to you, then stay there if it's more comfortable.  But you must also then accept that time will go on, and you may end up alone and disappointed that you sat while he moved on.  I don't know what things you like to do in life, but join a group, volunteer, take a crazy class that has nothing to do with your major.  Just to get out of your rut and to experience something different.  You may find your mind focusing on other things and people (maybe even another guy) you never imagined you would.  Just a thought.  But again, you need to be honest with yourself and that's often the hardest thing for any of us to do.  Good luck in whatever you choose.

Best Regards,



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