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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Heart Isn't In It, But Feel Obligated to Try
Letter #: 400858
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

First, some background. I am 14 years old, and I am a lesbian. I have strong feelings for a girl who is straight, I am not certain how to categorize these feelings, infatuation or love or something else entirely, but I can say that no matter how hard I try to extinguish them, these feelings will not go away.

To complicate the matter, I am involved in a relationship (my first "real" relationship) with a very nice girl who I am really not very attracted to. Our association has been awkward and uncomfortable and I constantly feel like I'm going to do something wrong when I'm around her. Even worse, all of her friends seem to hate me for reasons that I cannot fathom.

This is a bad relationship by anyone's standards so the logical thing would obviously be to end it, and of course I would have ended it if it wasn't for the fact that one week ago my girlfriend handed me a note stating that she was falling in love with me (this puzzled me because I thought that I had given her no reason to do so, not that I wasn't trying) I, of course do not return her feelings now but I feel that I could in time, and since she has told me how she felt, I have felt obligated to try harder to make this relationship work, and of course I am trying, but putting aside all of the other glaring flaws in our relationship, every once in a while, I find myself thinking stupid futile thoughts about that straight girl and then I feel incredibly guilty for obvious reasons.

I am worried that I will not be able to carry on with this relationship but I am terrified of hurting the only girl who has ever said that she loves me. That being said, any advice would be extremely helpful.

Elder Response

First things first. There is no need to feel guilty about your feelings. Feelings happen. You don't necessarily an plan them to happen that way. They just happen. When they do, you may want to ask yourself if you can figure out why you feel the way you do. If you can figure it out, fine. If not, don't worry.

What you can do, is to take control over what you do after you have those feelings. If you know someone is straight, but you have romantic feelings for her, you cannot change how you feel. But you can control how you act. If that straight person is a friend, and you make sexual advances, you will probably lose a friend. So, don't risk it. You'll lose a lot of friends that way.  Don't try to "extinguish" feelings. It won't work. Just control your actions.

Now, your girlfriend. Let me see if I got this right. She tells you she loves you. You like her, but really are not in love with her, but do not want to hurt her. That is admirable. But, aren't you actually hurting her by trying to pretend to have feelings that you do not really have? Isn't that really being unfair to her (although you mean well)? Keep in mind, you would leave her in a heartbeat if the straight girl was romantically interested in you, so this is not your last love.

This may come as a shock to you, but this is highly unlikely to be the last romantic relationship you will ever have. None of us ever think a relationship will end, but, Danielle, be realistic. You are 14. You will meet other people, go to other classes, have new interests, graduate,  go to work or school, etc. Don't spend too much time worrying about this relationship. Enjoy it while you can. If it doesn't work, move on. You'll fall in love a few more times, and may even get better at it.

I know everything seems so important and serious right now. So, do the best you can. Treat your current girl fairly and respectfully. Be honest with her. If it is time to move on, so be it.

Good luck, Danielle.

Best Regards,



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