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DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Old Flame or Current Boyfriend?

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we have had problems. The guy I was talking to before him always gave me butterflis and I was excited when we were going to hang out. I've never felt like that with anyone. Not even my boyfriend really. Anyway he has recently came back into my life and we hung out the other day and that feeling is still there. I want him but at the same time I don't want to loose my boyfriend. I know I cant have both of them. I just don't know what to do.

Elder Response

Kitty, our unmarried years are the time to discover who's right for us.  It's a time of growth and change into our adult selves, and dating is a process of elimination based upon moving freely among partners 'til we find "The One".  Of necessity, old loves must be left behind and new ones welcomed for our own good.  At such times, it can help to realize that our first priority in life is our own well-being, and that no one can ensure that but ourselves.   

You'll know you're getting closer to Mr. Right when you have few if any problems relating to one another *and* when you feel butterflies as well.  Both are essential elements of a lasting love.  That you're having difficulties with your boyfriend *and* don't feel butterflies for him are two red flags in your relationship.  Kitty, this is no way to run a romantic relationship. It hurts to say goodbye to someone you've been with, but when there's nothing to gain, there's everything to lose by staying.  Your life is at stake here, and that's nothing to fool around with.  Keep in mind you're not doing your boyfriend any favors by failing to break up.  Like you, he deserves to have someone in his life who truly loves and enjoys him wholeheartedly.  

Life involves being open to change, and don't underestimate the power of fate.  It's real, and if we're open to living our best life, it helps us find the best mate.  Who knows if Mr. Old/New is right?  But you'll never know unless you tell your boyfriend you don't love him enough to stay together, and unless you fully engage in getting together with You-Know-Who.  :::)))

I wish you happiness, Kitty.  



Letter ID Letter Title
398270 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: She's Holding On To A Gift From Her Ex
398242 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Will It Always Be Heartache and BS?
398223 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Relationship - and my life - is deteriorating
398188 FRIENDSHIP: Best Friend Is Pulling Away From Me
398181 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Which Boy to Choose?
398092 CAREER: Single Mom Having Trouble Finding Work
397847 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: My crush is into someone else
397797 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Don't Want to Stay in This Limbo
397746 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Old Flame or Current Boyfriend?
397717 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Wracked with Guilt from Sleeping Around
397630 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Feeling Stuck In Relationship Due to Money
397626 CAREER: Can Majoring in Philosophy Lead to a Career?
397595 OTHER: Help - My Girlfriend is Depressed and Cutting
397590 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Should I Keep Trying to Connect with My Tinder Match?
397506 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Can This Online, Long-Distance Relationship Work?
397472 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Have a Broken Heart of Confusion
397466 FRIENDSHIP: Think I'm Going to Be Left Out by Two Best Friends
397448 FAMILY: Want to Tell All Family I'm Transgender and Invite Them to My Wedding
397381 FRIENDSHIP: Is This Friendship Worth Saving?
397377 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Caught Him with Another Girl
397326 MARRIAGE: Husband Mistakenly Thinks I Planned to Cheat
397236 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Feeling Overwhelmed by Meetings, Classes, and Demands
396216 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Help Me Communicate With People
396161 FAMILY: Having Trouble Accepting That I'm Adopted
396142 CAREER: How to Choose a Career Path?
396095 MARRIAGE: Broken Marriage, Broken Dreams
396078 FRIENDSHIP: Feeling Excluded By Friends
396048 OTHER: How to Say an Embarrassing Thing Without Embarrassing the Person
395288 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Cruel Words Are Stuck In My Head
395130 FRIENDSHIP: Fifth Wheel Is Derailing Our Group Friendship
395127 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: He Wants to Be Friends with Benefits
395111 FAMILY: Feel Like Mom is Choosing Her New Husband Over Me
395044 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Boyfriend Still On A Dating Site
395005 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: No Luck On Dating Sites
394991 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: How Can I Get Him Back?
394948 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Become More Than Friends with a Man-Whore?
394474 FRIENDSHIP: Can This Friendship Be Repaired?
394398 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Failing college and looking for passion
394359 OTHER: Neighbor Has Me Worried for My Family's Safety
394322 CHILDREN: Daughter Doesn't Know I'm Her Biological Father
394319 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: How Did My Ex Move On So Fast?
394218 FRIENDSHIP: Best Friend Is Mad At Me Over Untrue Rumor
394215 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Is Third Time the Charm?
394213 SCHOOL: People Make Me Feel Like a Loser
394119 FAMILY: Who do I take to show - Hubby or Son?
394116 FAMILY: Worried My Brother's Wife Is Ruining My Nephew
394080 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Attention-Hogging Girlfriend Wants More
394001 FAMILY: Mom Won't Let Me Date Until College!
393948 OTHER: How Cold Is Too Cold for a Dog?
393702 CHILDREN: Behavior Problems
393553 FAMILY: Haven't Heard From Dad, And Am Concerned
393496 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Feeling Torn About Ending Our Relationship
393488 FRIENDSHIP: How to Make Friends In Your 30s?
393458 FRIENDSHIP: How can I move on?
393444 FRIENDSHIP: Friendship Since Kindergarten BROKEN!
393431 FRIENDSHIP: Cruel Words From Someone I Thought Was My Friend
393398 CHILDREN: How Hard Is It Being a Single Mom?
393038 SCHOOL: Classmate Is Blackmailing Me
392994 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Juggling A Drinking Issue and a Girl I Care About
392978 FAMILY: Should I Let Mom Live With Me After Her Rehab?
392973 CAREER: Feeling Stuck In Work I Hate
392935 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Great First Date, Then She Dumped Me
392919 FAMILY: Brother-In-Law Stealing From Me
392797 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Arguing About Every Little Thing
392551 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: How do I get over him?
392415 FRIENDSHIP: Grown Apart
392169 FAMILY: Tell Dad That Mom Is Cheating?
392162 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Still In Love With Ex, But Dating Someone Else
392140 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Scared of the Future
391978 FAMILY: Why is my little sister so bratty?!
391906 OTHER: Charity Registry for a Wedding?
391619 CAREER: Go Back to Old Job, Or Keep Trying for New Job?
391607 MARRIAGE: Worried His Explosive Anger Will Turn Into Abuse
391362 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Work Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem
391248 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: In a Break-Up-Make-Up Cycle
391155 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Is Exercise Worth My Time?
390828 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Focus on My Relationship or Myself?
390754 SCHOOL: Community College or University?
390749 OTHER: Should I Keep the Lie Going?
390738 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Boyfriend Keeps Bringing Up My Weight
390619 FRIENDSHIP: Friend Is Involved with Married Woman
390616 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Worried My Flirting Broke Our Trust
390384 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Can't Stop Thinking About Ex
390343 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: In Love With My Best Friend
390293 SCHOOL: Coach Is Picking on Me
390167 FRIENDSHIP: Feel Stupid For Staying Friends With Her
390107 SCHOOL: How Can I Make My Classmates More United?
390064 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: I like this Guy..But My Friend...
390040 FAMILY: Parents Won't Let Me Talk to My BF
389905 FRIENDSHIP: Haven't Talked in Months, Should I Go to Her Party?
389840 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Dating 5 Guys At Once Is Stressful
389824 FAMILY: Mother and Sister Don't Approve of My Fiance
389774 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: A Messed Up Situation
389665 OTHER: Grieving A Man I Loved
389239 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Constant fighting with bf
389229 SCHOOL: Nervous About Public Speaking In Class
389220 FAMILY: Sister-In-Law Is Horrible, Must I Attend Her Funeral?
389190 FAMILY: Religion Is Causing Family Problems
389152 CHILDREN: Losing Our Minds From Two-Year Old Crying
388532 OTHER: Torn Between My Bisexuality and My Christian Faith
388531 FRIENDSHIP: Does my friend care?
388530 CHILDREN: Motherhood in a May/December Marriage?
388487 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Roommate Is Flirting with My Boyfriend
388482 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: How Can Be Less Quick to Anger?
388477 MARRIAGE: Think I Married the Wrong Guy!
388397 FRIENDSHIP: Worried Friend's Fiance Isn't Good for Him
388355 FAMILY: My Parents Are Homophobic
388236 FAMILY: Family trying to control me
388203 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Stay Friends With an Ex?
388085 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Does he just want a hook up?
387757 FAMILY: Telling My Family I'm a Lesbian
387743 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: I Keep Reliving the Trauma
387669 FAMILY: Help Me Help My Depressed Brother
387478 FAMILY: My Dysfunctional Family is Ruining my Relationship
387031 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Want to Connect with People Better
384869 CAREER: Should I Distance Myself From Co-workers?
384862 MARRIAGE: Worried Wife Is Not Attracted to Me
384737 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Quitting Bad Eating Habits
384684 FAMILY: Should I Cut Mom Out of My Life?
384658 FRIENDSHIP: Living with a difficult friend
384654 MARRIAGE: Husband Wants a Separation
384198 MARRIAGE: I Don't Think I Love My Husband
384153 FAMILY: Help Mom or Pursue College and Work?
383956 FAMILY: Dating Behind Mom's Back Because She's Anti-Gay
383602 FAMILY: Worried family won't accept me because I'm gay
383566 MARRIAGE: She Wants Time Apart
383264 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Have No Idea What I Want to Do With My Life
383253 CAREER: Unsure What Direction to Take
383086 FAMILY: Family Living With Me is Financial and Emotional Strain
383066 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Anxiety Is Holding Me Back
382140 MARRIAGE: Attracted to Another Man
380993 MARRIAGE: I Messed Up
380508 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Tired of Being the Nice Girl
380363 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Missing Out On Life
380362 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Why can't I emotionally get close?
380008 MARRIAGE: No Longer In Love
380007 SCHOOL: College Fears and Exam Anxiety
379649 FRIENDSHIP: My Friend's Child Is Unbearable
379600 OTHER: Choose Love, Or See What's Out There?
379420 CHILDREN: Daughter Upset About Me Wanting to Date
379331 MARRIAGE: Parents Will Disown Me If I Marry Him
379272 FINANCE: Loaning Money to Others Leaves Nothing for Me
379081 OTHER: Live Lesbian or Play it Straight?
378780 FINANCE: Struggling to Save for an Apartment
378665 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: I Want to Be Happy
378140 MARRIAGE: He Became Distant After I Became Pregnant
377831 OTHER: I Feel So Alone After Mother's Suicide



“ Just to have someone hear me, understand and BE there was priceless.

- "John," Advice Seeker




“ What a lovely, helpful letter which I will read again and again... Your expert help is much appreciated.

- "Gillian," Advice Seeker




“ I feel relieved and better able to do the right thing now... Thank you for providing a gentle sense of direction for me.

- "Deb," Advice Seeker

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