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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

FAMILY: Confront Stealing Sister?
Letter #: 403840
Category: Family

Original Letter

I'm angry with my sister. We had her and her husband and child as well as a couple other friends over for a barbeque. After dinner, my sister went to the bathroom. She said she took a dump and it stunk so she sprayed some of my perfume to make it feel better. I know she did cause I could smell it. After she left, I realized that my perfume was missing. I keep it in my medicine cabinet above the sink. I found it odd that she sprayed my perfume in the first place as there was air freshener spray right behind the toilet. I told my friends that were still there that it was missing too. 

I had a deep feeling that my sister had done something with it (she has a history of stealing things like that) so I texted her. I told her I wanted my perfume back. She said she put it on the back of the toilet. I look everywhere in that bathroom and did not see it. My friends even looked too. Nothing. So I texted back and said it's not there. She replied back that she sprayed it and put it on the back of the toilet. I told her it's not there. And that was the last of that. 

So here's my problem. What do I do? It was a $25 bottle of spray from Victoria secret. I am not well off and work very hard to buy special things like that for myself. I used that spray twice and now it's gone. I'm tired of forgiving and forgetting when she does this to me. What should I do? I should mention that my sister is younger than me and has done this to me all of my life growing up together. And my other friends that were at the party are older and the only two ladies there would not do such at thing. I am 99.9% sure it was my sister. I'm so mad! U want to confront her but I don't know how or if it would even do any good as I feel like she would just continue to lie and deny it.

Elder Response

Let's consider consequences:

1. If you do confront her, what will happen? She will either deny or confess. You write that she will deny it. What happens after that? Certainly it creates hostility and there will be no gain. And even if she confesses, what then?  You can ask for the $25, but it will also be a hostile situation.

2. If you let it go. Well, you are out the money, but it might be worth it not to stir up angers that will resolve nothing.

My advice is to keep whatever you value out of public reach. Buy yourself another bottle and keep it in a safe place.You can replace the bottle, you cannot replace a sister or what kind of relationship you want to have with her in the future. Actually, if this has been a problem throughout her life she may well need professional help. Have you ever discussed this with your parents?

In any case, Nicolette, your decision should rest on what you want to happen afterwards. Personally, I cannot see any good results coming from a confrontation. You might find short-term satisfaction, but please take a look at the longer future. She will be in your life forever.

Best Regards,



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