Deciding Whether or Not to Have Kids


Deciding Whether or Not to Have Kids


Original Letter

I will be 30 this year and up until recently, I have always wanted kids… 2 or 3. I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months and know that engagement is around the corner. He is 34 and has a 12 year old. I know that if I have a child I would prefer it to be sooner (ideally pregnant by the end of 2018), rather than later. Finances are a bit tight as I just purchased my first house 6 months ago. My grandmother tells me don’t let money stand in the way, that you can always find a way to make it work. I have recently started a business that is really picking up. A job I think would be able to preform pregnant or with an infant. Since starting this business my desire for a child has become less front and center. I can’t tell if I have just become more career driven and with that my desire for motherhood has lessened. Or if my need/want for a child is completely gone and I’m holding on to an old dream. It makes me sad to think of trips to my parents and a lifetime of holidays and milestones never including kids. How do I know? Do you ever really know? Or do you just have to do it?

Elder Response

You have a lot of things on your plate right now, so it is difficult to map out the future.  While I applaud you for analyzing your desire to have children, it is not a decision that you have to make any time soon.  The reality of parenthood can be very different from the dream, especially when the timing is wrong.

Even though your boyfriend already has a child, it is important that you both feel that the relationship is stable and strong enough to welcome another member.  Your time together alone is precious.  Caring for a baby is emotionally draining and can be very hard on a marriage.

You mentioned earlier that finances are a bit tight.  You will be a lot happier if you are prepared to handle the costs of raising an infant.  While there are lots of ways to cut corners (i.e. second-hand equipment, clothes etc), parenthood is still a drain on the budget.

Finally, live in the moment and enjoy the rewards of your new business.  It doesn’t matter if you wait an extra year or two to have a baby, but it will be a lot easier to enjoy the “dream” if you are ready. Good Luck!

Best Regards,


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