… but I’m petrified after a miscarriage last year.

The best advice I can give you is to speak to your doctor, says our elder.

Dear EWC

I’m asking for advice about trying for a baby. About this time last year I had a miscarriage. My partner and I at the time were not ready for kids but then I found out I was pregnant and whilst unexpected we were ready to welcome it. I remember how excited we were and how we started doing research straight away. We made plans, then shortly after I had a miscarriage and due to the nature of the miscarriage I could have died and I needed emergency surgery. They called it an ectopic pregnancy — what happens is the baby ends up in the wrong place

After the miscarriage and near death experience I became depressed. I hated myself and blamed myself for what happened. Eventually I got help and improved my mental health. I no longer blame myself for the miscarriage, I now understand that it was something out of my control. Whilst the pain of losing a baby is still there I am managing. Anyway recently my partner and I have decided to try for another baby but the thing is I am petrified of having another miscarriage and losing my life because of it. We are both financially stable and have a good home, so I know we can handle it. I want to try for a baby but how can I stop being scared about something that might happen again. Any advice would be super helpful.

Hedwig replies

The best advice I can give you is to speak with your doctor. In fact, you might want to even get a second opinion. Most doctors welcome this and you can be reassured. Certainly, you will get special care and attention after your experience. All obstetricians want their patients to have a happy, successful birth and will do all in their power to see you get this. They will know if there is any risk for you — and give you appropriate advice.

Although I did not experience this, I did have a miscarriage, then a birth, then another miscarriage and another birth. Miscarriages themselves are not uncommon but ectopic pregnancies are far rarer.

The better informed you are, the better you will be able to and conquer your fears. It is normal to fear any pregnancy — or any surgery, for that matter. Therapy might also help. I am a great believer in getting therapy to face any serious concerns.

I have two healthy daughters and I would not have missed this experience for the world. They turned out to be my best friends in the world and now, at 85, I enjoy grand and even great grandchildren. We are so lucky to live in a time of modern medicine. Proof of this is that you are alive to tell the story. This would not have been true years ago. You were not alone and you will not be alone next time. Partner with a good, caring doctor and ease your fears.

I wish you great success in your next pregnancy — the rewards really transcend any risks, and risks are minimal with modern medicine. You will be protected throughout.

Letter #: 460506
Category: Children