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I think I want kids…

The thought of getting pregnant has her confused, but why?

Our elder helps sort out the many emotions of becoming a mom.

Dear EWC:

I want kids. At least I think I do. I get disappointed every time I’ve had a negative ovulation and negative pregnancy test. I have cried when I’ve thought about how I may never have kids. But every time I have actually thought I may be pregnant, I am filled with dread. I take a pregnancy test and when it comes back negative, I somehow feel both relieved and saddened.

I have discussed this with my husband and he thinks it is because pregnancy would officially begin a new chapter in my life. I didn’t feel this way when I was engaged to be married though and that was a new chapter in my life too so I am uncertain why I am feeling this way.

To be clear, I am 32, married for 8 years, together for 12 years. I do have health issues and had to stop my MS meds to safely try to conceive. I have taken many steps to move toward getting pregnant so this is something I have thought about. Which is why I am even more confused as to how I could ever be relieved to find out I weren’t pregnant. Also, this is our first child we are trying for.

Zee replies:

It’s perfectly natural to be conflicted about conceiving a baby and becoming a parent! Even in the best of situations there will be stress around conceiving and carrying a baby, as well as parenting a child. In your case, you have the additional stress of a medication regimen and dealing with chronic illness. And to top it off, your emotions are probably on a roller coaster ride right now, due to the hormones you’re taking.

I think your husband made a really good point about conceiving a baby representing a new chapter in your life. You’ve been in a relationship for a long time where it’s been just the two of you, and having a child will change that dynamic. You may be worried about your MS and how your body will react to pregnancy. As an established adult, you must realize that having a baby is a huge step, and one that you will probably never feel fully ready for. Have you discussed your feelings with your obstetrician or fertility specialist? I’m sure that person can give you some idea about how common what you’re experiencing is among women who are trying to conceive for the first time. That may go a long way towards putting your mind at ease.

You mention in your letter that you’ve thought about getting pregnant, and have taken steps to do that. The things you express concern about in your letter indicate that you’re a thoughtful and responsible couple and you have discussed your feelings with each other. Whatever you decide to do, I believe you and your husband will make the right decision for you both. I think you will be fine.

Children
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