There’s no room for three

My best friend got a girlfriend, and how all his attention is on her. What should I do? 

Hold your head high, says our elder, and give him some space.


Dear EWC

My best friend recently got a girlfriend and now all the affection and attention is on her. He is not like he used to be. A day earlier he acted so mean because of an event (he was making out with his girlfriend and I interrupted accidentally because I wanted to tell her that it’s 9 and we have to go). Now everything is about her. It’s not like I don’t want him to be happy but it doesn’t feel like he is my best friend anymore. In the past came the decision when I had a boyfriend to choose between him and my boyfriend and I chose my best friend. Now I don’t think he will do the same. Should I try to talk it through? Got any idea how? Or should I just ignore that our friendship is fading away?


Irene replies

Well, I wouldn’t exactly say you should ignore that the friendship is shifting. Let me start by saying (my opinion based on years of observation); male/female “best friendships” just aren’t really friendships. One has an attraction to the other, or perhaps both are attracted to each other, yet lack the social skills to express their true interest. In time, with things staying at the friendship level, things just don’t progress. Based on what you said, you may have a crush on him, and perhaps been too shy to let him know. I mean you did choose him over your (recent) past boyfriend. With a best friend, and a boyfriend, you shouldn’t have to choose. 

Yet, your having a guy best friend was likely threatening to your boyfriend, which is why you had to end up choosing. There isn’t room for three in a relationship. And it sounds like that is what is happening again, only the opposite direction, and he is choosing her, just like you said.

You said he changed, and is now so mean. Then you described interrupting them when you went to tell her it was time to leave. That had to be awkward for you. You’re right, he is interested in her right now, and she is his focus.

I have kind of seen the same thing happen to two girlfriends; they do absolutely everything together, then one gets a boyfriend and the other girl gets left behind. It’s perfectly normal and happens all the time; it is a phase of life – friendships are really in a constant state of flux. 

So from that sense, what is happening between you and your best friend is a natural progression. Like I mentioned before, there isn’t room for three in a relationship. 

If you really consider him your best friend, I suggest you give him a bit of space. Make yourself scarce, and if appropriate, still act friendly – just know for now you have boundaries. His relationship with this girl may not last, and if it doesn’t he may seek you out as a friend to talk to. 

In the meantime, you can do some soul searching and see how you really feel about him. Then if he does contact you, you’ll be in a better position to respond. 

I’m sorry your feelings are hurt – it has to be hard seeing him with another girl and more or less ignoring you. Hold your head up high, as you didn’t do anything wrong. Walk away with your dignity, and give him space, but also take care of yourself and honor your feelings. 

No one is worth your attention if they don’t deserve it. Your self respect is so much more important. If you choose to walk away, it will feel so much better than him continuing to be mean and maybe saying snarky things in front of others that may embarrass you. Don’t allow anyone to put you in a situation like that, you deserve better. 

I hope my comments have helped you, and I hope you choose to walk away. I’m glad you reached out for a neutral perspective. Take care. 

Article #: 463549

Category: Friendship

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