My friend is being a butt-face

He went to college and now he’s too busy to talk to me. Should I bring it up? 

College is a life-changing experience, says our elder. Reach out – but accept that he may have moved on.


Dear EWC

My best friend went away to college a few months ago and we’ve barely talked since. We used to talk every single day, we were super close and told each other everything, but once he left it’s like we’re not even part of each other’s lives anymore and I’m sad about that because I miss him. We’ve spoken a few times, but I feel like he’s way too busy now with his new college friends to care about keeping in good touch with me. I don’t know whether or not I should try to talk to him about this. I feel like if he doesn’t care, then he doesn’t care and I shouldn’t have to try to make him care. But also I want him to know that I think he’s being kind of a butt-face. So, should I bring it up, or should I just let it go? 


Square-Dancing-Bob replies

I’m going to call your friend John to make him easier to talk about. I hope you don’t mind.

I’m not sure what your former relationship with John was like. I know he’s a guy, but your name seems feminine so I assume you are female. It sounds like it was not a romantic relationship. If I have any of this wrong, my whole answer will be off. If you wish to write back and correct my assumptions, please feel free to do so.

Going away to college is a life-changing experience for many people. New people, new adventures, and new hopes and dreams. And by “life-changing,” I mean these students do not do things exactly the same as before.

Don’t be insulted by this, but it’s very likely that compared to the women John is meeting away at school, you seem very immature. The difference in maturity levels between college freshmen and high school seniors is often very large. You can’t see this difference when you’re a high school senior. But the difference is obvious when you’re a college freshman.

Like it or not, he’s in a different world now. Perhaps he feels you wouldn’t know or care about fraternities, freshman English, college football rivalries, and the various other things that are part of his world today that weren’t part of his world last year.

It’s possible he’s romantically interested in a girl and no longer has time for “just” a friend. That’s pretty typical if he’s falling in love with somebody.

Is he too busy for you? Maybe. Certainly, his priorities may have changed. Is calling him a butt face likely to change things? Probably not.

If you want to send him a note and say you’re still interested in being his friend, that would be fine. He may want to balance his old world with his new world, and your note may encourage him in that direction. 

But there’s also the possibility that he’s moved on with his life and he doesn’t see you as a part of his current life. That happens all of the time. You can’t make him still want to be your best friend. You can offer your friendship, but he always has his own choices to make.

I wish you well.

Article #: 346665

Category: Friendship

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