I want friends, not hook-ups

This letter writer is struggling to find friends in the LBGTQ+ community but it feels like everyone just wants sex.

Don’t give up, says our elder. Make it clear what you’re looking for.


Dear EWC

Hi! I’m 22 years old. I’m currently struggling with depression and also suicidal thoughts – I’ll be availing therapy soon for that and I hope it turns out for the better. For this letter, I wanted to mention specifically about how I’m struggling with dealing with ostracization as a bisexual guy. I don’t want to mention where I live, but it’s a place where homophobia is rampant so I’m struggling to find people like myself here. What I really just want is LBGTQ+ friends who can understand and relate to my struggles but it’s not very common here for people to talk about sexual orientation related issues here. What I’ve been doing recently is joining LBGTQ+ dating apps and WhatsApp groups, but I just ended up feeling disgusted. Disgusted because it’s just like, I want a friend to relate and talk to. I want someone to be a close friend to me and share feelings with. But almost everyone on these dating apps and WhatsApp groups is looking for casual sex. It makes me feel even more isolated since I’m just… Not an object. I mean, I don’t think sex is a bad thing, but it’s just, it would be nice if there were online places, I could just make LBGTQ+ friends instead of all these hook up platforms where everyone’s posting sexual pictures. I’m not judging anyone but I just can’t help but feel lonely because I don’t really have any LBGTQ+ friends.


GranJan replies

First of all, I want to applaud you for not falling into the trap of using casual sex as a way to avoid feeling sad or lonely. Perhaps I’m swimming against the stream of popular culture, but I believe that having sex simply because it gives physical pleasure is a pretty sure path to missing out on the real joy of sex with someone we love.

Now, on to how to deal with your situation. You haven’t said where you live, what country or what sort of community, but my first thought is that if you are living in a community where there is little or no acceptance of bisexual people, why must you stay there? Of course, you could keep yourself in a closet and pretend to be a “normal” heterosexual, but that will just make you feel lonelier. 

While most people who join LBGTQ+ groups on the web are probably looking for sexual partners, you may also be able to find others who, like yourself, are simply interested in finding a kindred soul to talk with. Don’t give up; just make it clear that you aren’t looking for a quick hook-up. Chances are that there are other lonely guys/gals out there who want exactly what you want.

I’d also suggest that you not rule out straight folks as friends you can talk with openly. Sure, lots of straight people are biased, prejudiced, afraid of being friends with someone with a different orientation – and lots aren’t. 

I think, though, you’re on the right track in wanting to find other LBGTQ+ people. Just as a black person would almost surely feel lonely if there were no other black people around to hang with sometimes; just as someone from one country seeks out others from that country, so LBGTQ+ people need others who are “with” them in experiences, concerns, hopes. We all seek out the company of others like ourselves; that’s human nature. I think you need to work at networking – finding one or two LBGTQ+ people, who can help you connect with others, and so on. Even though the LBGTQ+ community may be mostly underground where you live, I’d bet it exists.

I’m glad you wrote to us, and am happy to have been able to answer your letter. I wish I had been able to offer you more specific advice. You might want to write back to EWC and request an answer from someone who is LBGTQ+ and/or has lived in your country and understand your situation better than I do.

Article #: 482993

Category: Friendship

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