She’s not a catfish!

This letter writer wants to reunite with his online long-distance girlfriend. Does she want him back? 

Our elder is not optimistic. Start exploring meeting people in real life, he says.


Dear EWC

For some context, I’m 20 years old and I’m in college currently. I’ve known this girl for many years, though I have never met her. We became friends online probably about six-seven years ago. Through most of that time we were friends, but never very close. About three years ago, I began talking to her a lot online and we got very close. This led to me asking her if she wanted to be together and she said she’d think about it. The next day she said yes and she told me she had to think about it because she had to consider whether it was worth dealing with the distance. She has decided it was worth putting up with the distance and we were happy together for some time. Over the coming months I tried to bring up the idea of meeting, but she never considered it very much and eventually she told me the reason was because her parents would not approve of her finding someone online. I do not believe at all she is a catfish, I have known her for so many years, seen changes in her as I have changed, and have spoken to her on video call. Whether this was the real reason why she didn’t want to meet, I can’t be 100% sure, but it is all she told me and I can’t reasonably think of anything else. We were very close and after not much time at all, we were telling each other, “I love you.” We talked on the phone very frequently and for many hours. Only very occasionally would we argue and things were going well except a week or two before the end. After about six months she broke it off because she couldn’t deal with the distance any longer and didn’t want to keep me waiting for when we could eventually meet. It broke my heart, but we parted on friendly terms. A few weeks later I asked her if there was any chance we could get back together once she was a bit older and more willing to stand up against her parents. She had to think about it but ultimately said no because she had moved on. We have kept in contact, but it has been very brief. 

Recently she has shown more enthusiasm in our friendship and wished me happy birthday, which she hadn’t done since we were together. We talked and I told her I’d have to do the same for her since her birthday is only a few days after mine. The thing that stood out to me is she said she was working on herself and trying to make some changes in her life. A few days later we talked a bit more and I told her happy birthday. I ended up mentioning how much I hate the state I live in and she told me I should leave. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but I thought she might try to subtly tell me she wants to get back together. We live on the upper east coast and she lives on the south of it. I’m not very good at reading signs from women and I’ve missed other opportunities with them in the past because I couldn’t tell in the moment. I would really like to avoid looking like a fool, so if I’m being stupid and this is all in my head then I’d like to avoid it. All of the talking after we broke up has been over text, so it’s hard to tell the intent behind some of her messages. The time I spent with her was probably the happiest I’ve ever been, so if it’s possible to get her back I want nothing more than to do so. If it is impossible, I want to know so I don’t say or do anything stupid and ruin what little we have left. I’m not sure what to do and I need an outside opinion. Apologies for any spelling or grammar mistakes, I’m quite impassioned as of writing this.


Phil replies

Your long-distance relationship contains difficulties that a more routine one would not possess. Whenever you cannot visit the other in person it can never be what it needs to be to become successful.

You have spent an enormous amount of time and effort on promoting something that has little chance of success. I am not a firm believer in continuing twosomes such as yours. While you believe you truly know her you do not. Being in the same room as another is completely different from visiting from far apart. Now you speak for a while, put away your phone, and go about your day. In an up close and personal thing you would find out how you worked out problems together. You could see how she truly reacts to being with you and what she expects of you that you may, or may not, be able to accomplish.

You have tried to encourage more with this lady with no success. She has made it abundantly clear that, for whatever reason, she does not want to meet with you. I don’t know how much clearer this lady can make it but you absolutely must respect her wishes to live life without you.

I propose that you continue with her on a limited basis but without attempting to accelerate things. Realize that you and she will never be a true couple and to hope for more only invites heartache.

Spend more time meeting young ladies that you can actually meet and greet. Life is good for those who make efforts to improve what they have. You deserve much more than you have and it is available. Please explore and see if I am correct.

Article #: 488733
Category: Dating/Relationship

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