“I make new friends, but they all drift away and I feel lonely. What should I do?” 

Our Elder says: “People have their own troubles and can’t always be there even if they want to. But we usually get what we expect; have faith that good times are ahead.”

 

Dear EWC,

I made my New Year’s resolution to make new friends. It started off beautifully; I made a few friends and that turned into making friends with mutual friends. Wonderful. 

As the year went on, I slowly began losing friends when my other friends decided some of our mutuals were harmful. And then everything went to hell. I survived the year with one friend by my side. Long story short, my one last friend, who I decided was worth losing other friends for, abandoned me. He has been going through a lot, and I recognize that. I’ve sent him a few messages wishing him well, and I also sent him a message in a panic, mentioning that I needed the reassurance that the reason he wasn’t talking to me wasn’t about me. I realize it was probably unwise and maybe harmful towards him. It was unfair of me to place expectations on him about my own stressors. But he did reply, saying it wasn’t me; he’s going through a lot. I’ve seen him reply to others on social media, but he continues to ignore me. It hurts my feelings. I was abandoned at an early age in life by my mother, and it impacts my ability to handle “ghosting” that people do. I don’t ever expect a reply right away, but I do expect someone to reach out within a few days. It’s been two months. Am I being rude by expecting him to be here for me? I feel so alone and I don’t know what to do.

 

Ms.Mary Response

Hi Lavender,

I’m sorry your best friend abandoned you. Losing a friendship is always disappointing. Most of us can relate to that. It’s natural to worry that you did something to cause the situation, even though it’s probably not true. 

Looking back at my life, I realize I’ve lost friends every decade. However, it wasn’t about anything I did or said (even though I may have worried about that initially). People meet new people, have new interests, deal with personal challenges, etc. It’s better not to take your best friend’s behavior personally. Believe he’s going through some tough times.

Being abandoned at an early age is traumatic and heartbreaking. With that in mind, it makes sense that you are taking the situation personally. I’m not a professional, but my understanding is that traumatic experiences are ingrained in our memory. Because you were once abandoned, it’s natural for you to fear it happening again. Subconsciously, you’ve come to expect it. Therein lies the problem. 

We usually get what we expect, whether we like it or not. Whatever we inwardly conceive, we outwardly experience (because of our beliefs). You began worrying that you lost your friend, so you sent him messages telling him you needed reassurance (that you were panicking).  

Even though you started the year out hopeful and doing a great job of making new friends, as you lost friends, you were naturally more worried than optimistic. This last friend feels like he’s your lifeline. He’s not. He probably has his own troubles and insecurities.

You aren’t rude by expecting him to be there for you, but it seems he isn’t capable of that right now. Don’t blame yourself. He must have his own issues that have nothing to do with you. Were you more expectant to hear from him, or more worried that you wouldn’t? Your answer is telling. 

I encourage you to start fresh and make new friends as you did at the beginning of last year. You proved you could do it. Expect, believe, and have faith that it will be easier this time and that the friends you make will be more genuine. Look forward with anticipation and enthusiastic attention. Spend time imagining how good you will feel—and that your new friends will suit you better. The experience this time will be much better than the last.

I know it’s a challenge to think differently than the circumstances, but instead of focusing on feeling alone, practice feeling the joy of knowing new and caring friends are coming. Know that you are worthy and that others will enjoy being around you. Visualize the characteristics you want in those friends (reliable, fun, kind, caring, etc.) . Many people get that backward: they say, “I’ll believe it when I see it.” My experience is that to see it, you must believe it

My advice may sound like a lot of empty words. However, for better results, you must re-imagine, create a new faith, increase your receptivity, enlarge your mental concept, and maintain a more enthusiastic expectation. You will start a new chain of cause and effect when you do that. 

Just forget the past. Forgive yourself and everyone else for everything that has ever happened. Try to feel that everyone is doing about the best they can. 

Lavender, have faith that good times are ahead. You’ve had to deal with a lot, but you are strong. We all learn as we go, and everyone has setbacks. The key is not to give up. Trust that all will be well. Dream of success, not failure, of happiness, not unhappiness. Our dreams are mental patterns that can lead us to a fuller and richer life, or make our lives a nightmare. It’s up to you. 

I hope my advice is helpful. I’m happy to talk with you further, sweet girl. You deserve a happy and joyous life filled with close and loving friends. 

“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of our life. Tiptoe if you must, but take a step.” Naeem Gallaway.

“If you don’t leave your past in the past, it will destroy your future. Live for what today has to offer, not what yesterday has taken away.” Author unknown

Best Regards,

Ms.Mary

Article #: 503668
Category: Friendship