A letter writer wonders if she’ll stop getting bullied if she starts sleeping with people.

It’s not the best way to make friends, says our elder.

Dear EWC

I am having trouble in school. I get bullied because I love reading. I stopped reading because I’m afraid people will judge me. I am becoming more and more stupid by the minute. I started wearing really kind of trashy clothes that are like crop tops and short-shorts. I am trying to be popular. I am considering sleeping with everyone and maybe people like will like me. I am still a virgin and I haven’t kissed anyone and I’m in ninth grade; this is a problem. I am really lonely and need friends. And one more question does sleeping with people hurt? Because if I switch to that I don’t want it to hurt.

Phil replies

I did read your message and have some thoughts on the matter. Consider what I have to say and then make some decisions. I plan to deal with the several issues you identified.

Understand that people have a tendency to relish abilities or intelligence that others have. If you enjoy reading, please, please, please do not stop or slow down. I believe that a good reader can make available every other field of endeavor. If you can read well, the world opens up for you. If you are a poor reader you probably struggle with everything. Kindly pay no attention to those silly people who pester you for your reading. They are jealous of you.

All of us want to be liked; it’s a common desire and particularly people of your age. By wearing “trashy” clothes, you advertise yourself as being trashy, not someone who desires a friend. Wear clothes that are reasonably stylish, but not ones that demean you as a person. I’ve never known anyone gaining a friend by looking or acting slutty.

You will not, I say again, will not gain friends by sleeping with anyone or everyone. Yes, that boy or boys may like the momentary way you make them feel but quickly afterward they will desert you and pass your name on to others seeking an easy girl. Girls with bad reputations don’t gather friends but bums. I know you want your life to be filled with quality people and not ones on the fringe of society, don’t you.

Don’t give up your virginity easily or without considerable thought. You will know when you are ready and when you meet a boy who you really, really like for a long time and you know he treasures you. By the way, you shouldn’t be thinking about intimacy when you have never kissed a boy. Start off slow, don’t rush things and you will enjoy your life more.

As to whether it hurts to lose your virginity well, women have been going through that process for thousands of years so it must not be too terrible. Again, when you, and your body, are ready you will know. Believe me when I say that most young ladies aren’t ready physically or emotionally for intimacy at your age. Take your time, enjoy your life. I know it is hard but try to speak to your mother or a trusted adult female about these things. You may hear things you didn’t know when speaking to an experienced adult. Don’t worry about being shy; all of us have wondered about the things you are thinking about, at one time or another.

Okay, I’ve told you what not to do, what do I believe is the best way to make friends. Well, if you are shy and hesitate to approach people you must make up your mind to change. Go up to people with a big smile and a welcoming approach and see how easily you can find people who are right for you. Join the Spanish club, the choir, something where other people congregate socially. If you want to talk to someone in your circle ask him/her about an assignment in a particular class. Please understand that most of these people are just as shy as you but they, like you, need to try harder. When I was young I always thought that my height (I was 6’3″) would encourage young ladies to speak to me. So I would stand around at dances, or social events, looking fine, saying nothing, and waiting for someone to approach. Of course no one ever did. When I made that big step to take the first move it changed my life. I now make friends easily because I speak to others. Ask them about hobbies, their families, what they do on vacations, how they do their hair. We all like to be asked about ourselves. I promise that if you try, and not just once, you will find it working. Decide for yourself that you will refuse to be backward and shy and will, from this day forward, be known for smiling and friendliness. You can do it.

Reference 423481
Category: friendship