My lying husband said he was going for dinner with a colleague — but I found him at the strip club!
Can I ever trust him again? Our elder is all in favor of marriage counseling.
Dear EWC
My husband told me he was going to a medical class, then having dinner and drinks with his colleague. He had been in contact with me that day, making sure the kids were OK and everything else. He called me around 5:30pm and said class was over and he was going to dinner. I didn’t think anything of it. At 9pm I called him thinking how long just dinner takes, he said he played at the casino, had dinner and just arrived to get drinks. Something didn’t feel right but then I thought it might it’s just me being paranoid! Then I got a text message from a friend whose husband was a strip club, asking me whether I know where my husband is, and then I heard, he is at a strip club! I tried calling him several times and nothing he turned off his phone! I drove to the club with two kids and found him! Boy, was it priceless to see his pathetic look!
What I am pissed about is that after so many years, he lied, turned off his phone knowing we have two kids who were sick, and I was so tired of being with them on my weekend off! If he lied about that what else is he lying about? I have no trust in him or going further with my relationship. Separation is the only way I see; I know I won’t trust him next time he tells me he is going out to dinner or something like that.
PJC replies
I understand how angry and betrayed you feel. Because you two have children together, I want to encourage you both to see a marriage counselor. Counseling may not work, but in the future, I think you want to be able to look back and tell your children that mommy and daddy did everything possible to try to reconcile and save their marriage.
As for ever being able to trust him again, you may know in time that he is trustworthy. Trust, in my opinion, is not a black and white issue. Trust builds over time and with experience. For example, now you might know that perhaps when the children are sick and he is needed at home, that feels like a burden to him that he would rather not face. If that’s the case, then that would be an excellent subject to explore with him in counseling. Then, if that situation occurs again, he would have to make a different choice. Perhaps the different choice would be to find someone to look after the children while the two of you have an evening out.
You’re a unique woman. Not everyone would track down their husband at a strip club, put two sick children in the car and then confront him there! Just having the guts to do that, to surprise and shame him in public, might very well insure that he never does that again.
But if you can begin to think about trust as a continuum, rather than a black and white issue, you will begin to know when you can trust him and when he is less trustworthy. It’s my opinion that for the sake of your children and the sake of your marriage, this is the time to explore and clarity rather than separate.
I wish you all the best.
Letter #: 420615
Category: Marriage