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How can I last longer in bed?

A letter writer is concerned that he can only last five minutes — and his girlfriend is not happy.

Our elder has some helpful advice on foreplay.

Dear EWC

Hi, I have been dating my girlfriend for about two months now. We started having sex maybe around the same time, a bit later. At first, I couldn’t last longer than 30 seconds as now I can last a bit like five minutes. The problem is she likes going really fast and doing that makes me last not as long. It’s a problem because now she wants to completely stop having sex with me. She wants me to last 20 mins plus while doing it fast. Before my current girlfriend, I only did it with two other girls. One is my ex, who I only had sex for around six months regularly before we stopped dating. The next one went on for three months. Both happened more than a year ago. So my body is not used to sex, we can say. What is the best advice you could give someone like me to last longer? Is it psychological and/or my body? Should I hit the gym harder or relax?

SaraJ replies

Thank you for your letter. I hope I can offer you some helpful advice. You are dealing with a problem that’s common to many men and women and it has to do with the length of time it takes a woman to reach orgasm. Men can reach that point very quickly, while it can take quite a while for many women. The fact that she likes it very fast tells me that she really wants to have an orgasm and when you have your first, it leaves her very frustrated. I believe it’s that frustration that is causing her to say she doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore.

I know there are techniques that men have found to delay orgasm but I’m not a man so I don’t really know what they are. I’m sure there must be web sites or forums that address that issue or you could try talking to your dad or other male friends. I think it’s wonderful that you care enough to want to make things better for her. Some guys are very selfish and only think about themselves. Don’t worry that you haven’t had a lot of experience. It means you don’t have a lot of bad habits that you have to unlearn. There are a lot of men who’ve had tons of experience but are lousy lovers.

I think the best solution to your problem is to focus on helping her achieve her orgasm first by using either manual or oral stimulation. Once she’s achieved hers, the length of time it takes you won’t be nearly so important to her. There are countless books on foreplay and it’s an art form that few men have really mastered. Those that have are pretty special guys! If you have a good woman friend, I imagine you can also get a few pointers from her. There is a great song called Slow Hand by The Pointer Sisters that describes what a woman wants better than I can. Good sex is so much more than penetration and if you can learn how to create an environment that fosters the full spectrum of sexual intimacy, your girlfriend will never complain again.

Good luck to you! I’d love to hear how everything works out.

Letter #: 407336
Category: Dating/Relationship

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