I’m in love with my first girl crush, and I think we have a chance.
Our elder is optimistic but cautions: you can never “own” another person.
I’ve written this letter three times now. I am a freshman girl in high school, I’m bi, possibly gay. I’ve known I was bi since the seventh grade. I’ve kissed six boys, and only one girl. (I’ve technically kissed many girls, but we were kids. It never meant anything.) The girl I kissed is her own letter that I don’t feel like writing yet. But it should be said that with her… it felt more natural. Right. It has never felt that way with any guy. Alright, to the story. My first girl crush was, well I won’t say her name, so let’s call her ‘Bee’. Bee was the whole reason I learned I was bi. I never got with her, we have been best friends for years though. This year… welp, here I am, still helplessly chasing after her.
I don’t know what it is about her. I have this feeling that I have to be there for her, whenever and wherever she needs me. I want to be her protector. I want to help her with all her demons, I want to be the person who saves her from drowning. This year we’ve been getting closer. When she takes my hand, it burns when she lets go. When she hugs me, my arms wrap around her and I don’t want to let go. She smiles at something I say, and I feel as though I’m doing something right. When she sleeps over, we fall asleep together, wrapped up in each other. When we’re together, the world slows down and I feel calm. I feel right. I want to be with her constantly. Walk her to class, take her out, call her before she falls asleep, hold her hand, show her off, I want her to be mine. I’ve never felt something so strongly before. It’s a need. And I can’t focus on anything else. Yesterday, she texted me and asked how I felt. And my dumb ass spilled everything. I asked her if there was a chance for us. “Oh yes. Definitely.”
How do I make her mine? I swear, I’ve never wanted something so bad. I want to be hers, I want her to be mine. I want to show her how it feels to truly be loved, I want to show her the good things to life. I’m not ashamed of my feelings for her. If she was mine, I wouldn’t be ashamed to show her off. I wouldn’t be ashamed for others to know about us. Where I live, people aren’t so bad about LGBT. They’re more accepting, and that helps. Her birthday is coming up, and I’ve made her a box of all her favorite things. I want to make her a CD, be old fashioned, of all the songs that remind me of her. Please, I’m going out of my mind. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, it’s killing me not to have her. How do I make her mine?
As I was reading your letter, I kept thinking of a song I loved when I was your age: “I’m Gonna Make You Love Me,” by the Temptations. I used to dance in front of the mirror to that song, getting caught up in the idea of making someone love me. But, here’s the thing: we can’t “make” someone love us. He or she makes the decision to love. Also, in your letter you use the word “mine” as in “make her mine” or “wish she was mine” five times. The truth is, even if your friendship with “Bee” moves from platonic to romantic, she will always be independent from you. We never own another person. I realize that you were using romantic phrases when you wrote “make her mine.” Still, your wording reflects your thinking, and it’s helpful to examine your thoughts.
Here’s the good news. You know that Bee likes you, maybe even loves you. You and Bee already have a relationship based on several years of friendship. In addition, you asked Bee if there was hope for the two of you romantically. Since she’s your good friend, if she didn’t like you romantically, she probably would have rejected you diplomatically. But, she said, “Oh yes, definitely.” That suggests she wants to move ahead. My advice is to follow her lead. You have let her know that you are interested in moving forward. Let’s see what she does to indicate further interest in that idea. Relationships — straight, gay, or bi — are a dance of give and take. Remember the image of me dancing in front of the mirror to “I’m Gonna Make You Love me?” The problem with that image is I was dancing alone. It’s much more fun to dance with a partner, isn’t it?
Please feel free to write back and let me know how things work out. I care.
Letter #: 431222