Should I tell my wife?
Be clear about what you want to happen, says our elder. But have an honest discussion with your wife.
OK, so I got married in April. But right before that we were separated for weeks, actually up until days before the wedding. I had a one night stand that ended up getting her pregnant. My wife doesn’t know; the woman wanted to keep it but let it be a secret. I feel horrible every day, but she talks about leaving me anyway. Should I say something or just save her heart because I know that’ll crush her and I do love my wife and couldn’t stand doing that to her. Help!
Thanks for reaching out to EWC. I’m sorry to hear about your complicated situation, So, let’s get right to it! In my opinion, honesty is always the best policy. You indicated you made a mistake and are now dreading the fact that your wife will be crushed to hear you cheated on her. You’re remorseful about the affair and you now are worried about your wife’s feelings. Of course, this affair impacts you, your wife, the mother to be and the baby that’s on the way!
What are you thinking is the solution? Be clear in your mind about what you would like to see happen. I understand you’re asking for help regarding how to resolve it. I’m sure you already know, however, there’s no easy answer to this situation. In my opinion, one thing that must be done is for you and your wife to have an open and honest discussion about what has happened and how you want to proceed in your relationship. If, as you say, your wife always talks about leaving you, are you thinking she will leave you knowing you cheated? I’m curious as to why she always talks about leaving you. You mentioned her heart will be crushed if you told her about the affair. I think it would be better if she hears about your mistake from you. Honesty is the best policy. Her heart will be crushed, but if she hears it later from someone else, or you decide to tell her after the baby arrives, she’ll be devastated!
So, please don’t let the fact that she “talks about leaving you anyway” influence your decision. This is an important decision you have to make. Hopefully, you will decide to just go to your wife and tell her the truth about why you had this one night stand, how remorseful you are about it and why you didn’t tell her about it right away. Let her know that you’re concerned about the future of this unborn child, also. Let her know, how much you love her and how you hope she can forgive you and move forward in your marriage. Don’t forget to express your concern about your unborn child and his or her future. Please keep in mind that this confession of yours will be a lot for your wife to hear. She will need time to think about all of it and perhaps she’ll be willing to allow the two of you to make some decisions about it together. I’m not sure. I am sure, however, that you need to confess and discuss as soon as possible. Keeping this a secret for much longer will not be a good thing if you want to keep your marriage intact.
I’m rooting for you to do the right thing and seriously talk to your wife about your one-night stand and child on the way. Communication is key in resolving problems, so have that important discussion as soon as possible. Find the strength to do this and you’ll find peace in the process. Thanks again for reaching out to EWC. Please feel free to write again with an update or if you have additional questions or concerns. My positive thoughts are with you as you seek answers.
Letter #: 446985