Why doesn’t she want sex?

My girlfriend won’t even sext online anymore — and I have needs! Women feel under pressure to perform, says our elder. Have a talk with her, and make her feel safe and listened-to.

Dear EWC

My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for about three years now. We’re long distance since we go to different schools but we travel to visit each other during the breaks. Right now we text and call a lot and make sure to always communicate. When we do hang out it’s really fun and we do a bunch of new activities together. When we are long distant we would sext to get each other off. Recently however over the summer we didn’t have much sex at all and she didn’t want to sext because her parents were home, which I thought was perfectly fine. Now that she’s back in school I asked her again about it and she said she just doesn’t want to. She doesn’t like the feeling of being nervous before her period even though we use protection. She doesn’t like how it doesn’t feel genuine when we sext online. I asked her if we can compromise and figure a way so I wouldn’t feel sexually frustrated but she just doesn’t want anything to do with it, and I understand because I don’t want her to do something she’s not comfortable with. She says that she just wants to spend time with me and that she loves just cuddling with me. She also said that it’s not because she wasn’t interested in me. She said she thinks about me a lot and loves making out with me. I really love her and I don’t wanna lose what we have. We always talk and joke around with each other. I don’t want to break up with her but I also don’t want to be sexually frustrated. What should I do? I really trust her and I don’t think she’s cheating on me at all.

Shine-Bright replies
As a woman, I completely understand that sexting can feel false. It is artificial in the world of intimacy and has a distinct air of ‘servicing’ that can make one feel used. Perhaps she did it to try it out and to please you and now she is uncomfortable? That is great that you are honoring her wishes. Showing her respect and kindness will help her not to feel that she was merely providing a service.
Talk to her openly about where your sex life is. Why is she changing her mind about your physical sexual activity? Yes, you are long distance and you have your needs. But, what did you do before her? I suspect that you took care of this by yourself? Can’t you do this again?
You sound like a very respectful guy but, please consider just how much pressure women are under to perform sexually at all times. We are constantly reminded that it is our duty (whether in love or not) to save a man from blue balls or give him relief or peace of mind. My words may sound harsh but I am very liberal when it comes to sex and open to one’s sexual needs. If you really do love her, you will have a talk (explaining that you don’t want to pressure her); just a talk to understand her and honor her wishes. Figure out together what makes you both feel loved and listened to.
I doubt she is cheating and that she just doesn’t want to feel like she is servicing you. Consider how she would feel if you broke up with her because she is trying to be respected and shown your love? Women are more sexually open/active when they feel safe and listened to.
This is a turning point for you — you can decide that your wishes and desires are more important than another’s or you can decide to work together to feel loved and respected on both sides.
Feel free to contact Elder Wisdom Circle any time — we are here for you.
Wishing you well.

Letter #: 447828
Category: Dating/Relationship

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