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Marriage? No, but you can visit

I thought my boyfriend wanted to marry me, but now he has announced he wants to be a bachelor forever.

He needs help overcoming his fear of commitment, says our elder. But you may have to move on.

Dear EWC

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and 10 months. We used to talk about having a place together and eventually marrying, but in the last four weeks he has told me that he has planned on being a bachelor forever, and that he wants to eventually buy a house that I’m always welcome to visit him at. I don’t know what’s caused this change, and I’m not sure what to do next. He has been engaged twice before and had both fiances break things off with him, so I understand his concerns and I don’t want to force anything on him. But I don’t want to live the rest of my life as just a girlfriend, an afterthought at the end of the day, not someone of importance in his life. I’ve gone through a relationship in the past where the guy cheated on me, and I have a hard time believing that I will be important to someone if they won’t make a real commitment to choose me as someone for them. I don’t know what to do next, and I could really use some impartial advice about this.

M-Sharon replies

It’s a difficult situation. Based on his previous track record, he must have a problem with commitment and/or a problem with marriage. (Maybe his parents’ marriage was rocky). Who knows?

I think you have to have a heart-to-heart, face-to-face, conversation with him. Ask him if he loves you, and does he want to spend the rest of his life with you? (Be silent, and see what his answer is).

Tell him you do not want to be a girlfriend who can visit him in his home. Remind him he has already lost two girlfriends because he couldn’t agree to marry. Suggest he might need counseling regarding his fear of commitment and marriage.

If he is willing to get help, then hopefully you’ll both have a chance at a future together.
However, if he doesn’t, then I think you’ll need to move on. You can’t keep your life on hold for a guy who doesn’t love you enough to commit.

I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but I believe this is the right path.

Letter #: 456466
Category: Dating/Relationship

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