Daughter caught having sex

My 15-year-old had sex with her boyfriend in our house and now Dad’s mad! How can I help

You’re doing a great job already, says our elder. Keep on setting rules and boundaries.

Dear EWC

It was maybe around 1:30am. I was going to go get some water when I heard a sound that was sort of like a whimpering. I went to check if it was my dog but she was sleeping soundly. I decided to investigate further and found the noises were coming from my daughter’s room. She’s 15. It sounded like she was in pain but I did not want to just barge in. It felt like intruding. I cracked the door open so she did not notice. So I saw her there under the covers with her boyfriend on top of her (I had no idea he was here). I saw her lying there crying softly and clearly in pain. I wanted to intervene but I was not super sure of how to do it. I went back to my husband and he was very frustrated that I woke him.

This is the part that I am not so proud to say. He was very mad and so he quickly went into her room and ripped off the covers. He yelled, “What are you doing here? You are not welcome in my house anymore,” while my daughter was staring in disbelief. My husband walked the boy out of our house. After the whole ordeal at night we decided to sleep on it. I decided to slip my daughter a note saying, “If you ever need to talk about something in private im here for you.” I wanted to make clear to her that I think it is not correct for her to be engaging in sexual intercourse at such a young age while not terrorizing her. Any ideas on how to deliver this message?

Good-Listener replies

I have to say, you sound like an extraordinary mom. I totally get how upset your husband was — with good reason. Any parent would be angry as h#$@%! at discovering your daughter’s boyfriend in your house engaged in sex. So, I certainly don’t fault your husband for what he did. A lot of men might have become violent. I would not be angry with him. Sure your daughter was embarrassed — she should have been.

But here’s where you deserve kudos. You and your husband decided to “sleep on it”. That’s where a lot of parents would have gone off the rails, but you guys held it together. And, the fact that you slipped your daughter a note saying what any child needs to hear, is a credit to you and your parenting. You are setting rules and boundaries. You are also acknowledging that your child is a young woman, may have questions, and obviously still needs her mom. She is lucky to have you — and I don’t think you need my advice, other than to say to stick to those boundaries. I normally wish people good luck when I finish a reply. You don’t need it, but I’ll wish it to you anyway. Good luck.

Letter #: 461224
Category: Children

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