Why can’t I get a girlfriend?

Stop trying so hard, says our elder! Once you relax and start to enjoy your own life, you’re more likely to find someone to share it with.

Dear EWC:

As some of you elders know, I’ve had trouble with girls and dating my whole life and I hope I won’t be repeating myself in yet another letter about dating. I often get frustrated with being single all the time. In fact, sometimes I ask myself, “What’s the point of even trying?” because it seems so hopeless for me.

I talked to people like my parents about why I haven’t been successful with girls and they told me things like the reason is that I can be selfish sometimes or I’m not sociable enough to get a girlfriend and I need to be more social to more people. But I know I have my flaws and I’m not perfect but who is? And another thing my parents told me is meeting someone is a matter of luck and they also told me that being in a relationship isn’t always a picnic because there’s arguing and break-ups and heartbreaks but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s all bad. I mean everyone wants to be in a relationship with someone.

But I can’t understand why girls can’t just like me for who I am instead of being so picky all the time. I think I would make a good boyfriend (or husband) if girls gave me a chance. I used to think to get a girl to like me all I had to do was just be myself. But being myself doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere with girls. I mean my brother and one of my cousins both got married this year and a good few of my friends are now engaged and I can’t understand why they’re being successful with girls and I’m not. I don’t know what I’m going to do because I gave this everything I had but it doesn’t seem to be enough.

June-Bug replies:

Your situation is not hopeless. In fact, it’s pretty normal. I felt the same way before I met my husband. There is someone out there for you, I just know it. You say that being yourself hasn’t worked. I believe that being yourself is key to a good relationship and that a girl will like you for who you are. However, you need to make a good first impression so that she will want to get to know you. It seems like that’s the point where you could use some tips.

I found an interesting article online called “Guidelines for Successful Dating” by Tina Tessina, PhD. Dr. Tessina is a Psychologist in Long Beach, California who specializes in counseling individuals and couples in relationships. In her article, she lays out guidelines for dating behavior including important dos and don’ts. I think you will get some good pointers from the article, not just for dating, but also for making a first impression when you meet someone.

I agree wholeheartedly with the advice you have received to be more social. That will open you up to opportunities to meet girls. Get involved in organizations, events and activities that you enjoy. That way you are likely to meet girls with similar interests and you will have something interesting to talk with them about. Even if you don’t meet a girl at a particular event, if you are enjoying your life, you will be naturally more attractive to others. People like happy people who have something interesting to share. I feel like that’s what worked for me. I stopped trying so hard to find someone and threw myself into a new hobby. That’s where I met my husband. I was relaxed and happy with my life, which made me more attractive and less needy.

As your parents point out, relationships do require work and everything doesn’t always go well. But a loving relationship is worth everything that you put into it. If you live your life avoiding heartbreak, you’ll never find love. It’s important to open your heart and be vulnerable, even if it means you might get hurt. I believe you have a lot to offer a relationship. Take a deep breath, release your fear, and go for it. Good luck!


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