Too toxic to tolerate

If she’s rude and abusive, is she even a friend? People are who they are, says our elder. Being able to change them is rare.

Dear EWC:

I have a friend who’s always making rude jokes or remarks. I’m insecure about my height and people always bully me for it. She doesn’t understand that when she says things like this, it can be offensive.
She’s a bit abusive and I want to break it off. But when we get into arguments, another friend has to break it up. After saying these things, she denies that she’s ever been rude.

What do I do?

JanLynn replies:

Toxic, yes. It sounds to me like she isn’t a friend at all. Rather, it seems that she’s getting something out of having you around, but we’ll never know what that might be.
You know, it’s entirely possible she doesn’t know she’s being rude because that’s simply part of her personality, her character, to make herself feel better by running down others. A counselor could further explain the reasoning behind why some people are so mean.

You and she are already fighting and that’s telling you something, isn’t it? You’re not getting anything out of this friendship, as I see it. You seem to be a kind person and you don’t want to hurt her. For that, you’re to be commended. These days too few people care much about others. But, in my view, the further you go with this relationship, the less good you’re going to feel about yourself. I believe in ending something sooner rather than later.

If you find it difficult to end this relationship, consider talking with a counselor/therapist a time or two to receive guidance on how to proceed. Sometimes we can’t do everything for ourselves by ourselves. Whatever you do, don’t wait for her all of a sudden to be a caring individual, aware of your feelings, and change to be nice. People are who they are. Change is rare.

I hope a few of my thoughts will be helpful for you in coming to terms with how things are and then going forward with a plan that will serve you best. Take good care of yourself and be well.


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