The ex factor

She broke up with her ex. Her current BF may be the next ex. But does she really want to be single? 

Follow along with our elder’s tips on how to sort out her ex list.

Dear EWC:

I don’t know what to do. I feel as though all my relationships come to a halt for some reason, whether it be cheating or just a bad mix. At the beginning of the year I dumped my ex and got together with the guy I’m with now. My ex did some bad things but overall was a pretty good boyfriend.

I thought this current relationship would work out better but it seems to have fallen out. I’m not attracted to him physically and it’s putting a strain on our relationship. I was attracted to my ex, which has also put a strain on our relationship because of comparison. He’s a really great guy but I feel like it won’t work out in the long run and I don’t want to hurt him but I also feel like it would be better for us both if I ended it sooner rather than later.

Another part of me is wondering if I should end it at all. He’s been really good to me and a great boyfriend but like I said I don’t think it’ll work out in the long run. And I honestly think I still love my ex and it’s not fair to my boyfriend. I want my ex back so bad but I know I can’t have him, he probably hates me.

And I realized that as much as I hate it, I want to be single.

Loving-Grandmother replies:

I hear the frustration and confusion in your letter. I’m so glad you decided to write to share your situation. The main concern I heard in this letter is that you are with a boyfriend that you are not attracted to physically. This is a big red flag and I’m glad you are able to both admit and recognize this fact. So many couples stay together years after losing the spark of attraction. This tends to lead to some really sad relationships. People who have children together and then stay together “for the kids…” are missing out. Life is to be lived fully and staying with a boyfriend just because you are afraid to be single is not going to be a fulfilling choice.

Your final line about “hating” to be single is also a red flag to notice and think about. Why are you so afraid to be single? Why do you feel the need to be with someone, even if that someone is not a person you are attracted to? I want you to really think about that and do some self-reflection on the topic. Perhaps being alone for a while will help you understand yourself and accept yourself and make you a better partner in the future when you are ready to commit to a relationship.

I also hear you say that you miss your old boyfriend and have very strong feelings for him. Please take the time to write down all the things you believe are great about this old boyfriend. Then write down all the ways he was not a great boyfriend to you, and all the things you find troubling about his relationship to you. Now analyze those lists and be really honest with yourself about your feelings for him. Is he generous, kind, thoughtful? Does he really listen to you and care about your feelings? Do you see yourselves together and parenting children perhaps in the future?

All of these questions and answers will help guide you to a decision on whether or not to reach out to this ex boyfriend. I really want you to value yourself and realize that you deserve the very best for yourself. This may entail being without a boyfriend for a time. Give yourself the time and respect you need to figure out what is best for you! You deserve the best. Be well and good luck. 



One Comment

  1. im going through the same thing i broke up with my my boyfriend at the time and then started dateing a new guy and when i was dating then new guy i relised i still liked my ex but im sad now cuz ik he dosent like me and he likes someone els.

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