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Is he enough?

For this student, her boyfriend ranks high on the “no” list.

Our elder suggests that if he doesn’t measure up, it’s time to let him go.

Dear EWC:

I am 16, in the 11th grade. I never had a relationship until now. My boyfriend is 17 and he is really caring and nice. He really likes me and I like him. But sometimes I feel disconnected with him. He isn’t the person I would wish to be with in the future.

He doesn’t want to go to college and isn’t really interested in anything school related. I am very passionate about school and want to major in math and be a data scientist in the future. He isn’t really “my type“ either, I don’t find him physically attractive, but I don’t want that to let it affect our relationship.

Lastly, he is very emotionally open and sometimes says things that aren’t true. Maybe it is but to me, it is wrong for people to say, “you are the best thing that’s happened to me“, “you are perfect“, “best girl“, etc. Like yes, maybe it is romantic, but let’s be real, it is very subjective and hearing these things doesn’t give me the best impression of him. It makes me doubt him, and makes me think less of him. I say things like “you are amazing“, “you are the best”, but I feel some sort of disconnection. As if in the future, I know I won’t be with him.

I feel disconnected with many people and find a hard time to be attractive to someone. Like my boyfriend loves kissing me, but I on the other hand feel disconnected from kissing him, so he is mostly kissing me while I’m there. It is a weird feeling, and I don’t know why I feel this way. I am not comfortable with him yet physically and I have been talking with him for 6 months.

And the weird thing is that I am easily adjusted with my friend. Like my best friend, we hold hands, we kiss each other as a joke on the cheek, and I love hugging her. We are close and I don’t feel any discomfort, I feel connected. While with my boyfriend it is different and as days pass I notice more flaws and feel even distant. I also find smartness very attractive, and he isn’t very smart. Maybe I am very picky, but I always wanted a smarter boyfriend than me, so I could admire him because that’s what I tend to do.

I feel very complicated right now, and I want to know if this is a normal feeling? Is it that I don’t want to be with anyone? That I just admire people and just want to be friends? Thank you for reading 🙂 I really appreciate it.

Phil replies:

According to you, the world doesn’t revolve around your boyfriend. He likes you immensely but you don’t care for him as much. You don’t believe he has the same values as you, isn’t honest enough, is not as intelligent as you prefer, isn’t as nice looking as you like and doesn’t do much for you physically.

What do you really see in this guy who has so little to please you? I know he likes you but that is not nearly enough.

When 2 people begin dating it is sort of a “try out” period. You visit, communicate, and attempt to see whether you agree on enough traits that you can proceed. If, after one week, or one year you find out that the other doesn’t measure up you break things off. 

Many people break up several times before they find the one who they believe is the best for them. It surely doesn’t mean you are a bad person but just prefer someone else. Everyone doesn’t like chocolate milk or rap music and that is because we are all different. You are young and will learn more about relationships as time progresses.

Don’t hesitate to talk freely with him and explain that, “things just aren’t working out”. You need say no more than that. I suggest you do it without delay and allow him to go on his way. He will find someone who appreciates who he is and you can do the same.

Meet and greet many people and you will find that fantastic people abound. Just allow yourself to be open to meeting and your life will be much more pleasant.

Dating/Relationship 

#454424

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