When BF’s bestie is a leech

She thinks her boyfriend is being used. He’s OK with it.

While money may or may not be the root of all evil, our elder agrees it’s driving a wedge between this couple. Is it time to move on?


Dear EWC:

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 18 months. He has a gay friend who he invites over very often. My boyfriend is straight. Maybe he likes the ego boost or attention. 

So I do not like this friend of his because he’s always asking my boyfriend for money. His friend had cancer but is currently in remission. Every time he comes to visit my boyfriend, it’s always a sob story—his cousin died, his uncle is sick, he has no money for groceries, etc. 

I’m over here working three jobs and hustling my butt off to make money to support myself and my kids, while this friend of his just comes up to my boyfriend and he’ll give him $40 $60 $80 to wash his dishes for one evening or to help him with some small thing on a car, or to help him do something in the yard. But there have been times where he just gives the money straight up to his friend. 

It just feels like he is leeching off my boyfriend. My boyfriend does not have money like that; he is $66,000 in debt, he took out a 401k loan for $50,000, and he pays a baby mama $1,000 a month for a son he has in California. I’ve expressed my concern about this issue to my boyfriend already. But the other night I was on my way home from work after working a long day, and I got in the car to head to my boyfriend’s house. I get a text message from him saying that his gay friend is also coming over. I told my boyfriend I refuse to come over out of principle. He told me I was being unreasonable. 

I am hurt and confused. We haven’t talked to each other since then. Was I wrong? What would you have done?


Good-Listener replies:

I’m so sorry you find yourself in this predicament with your boyfriend, and his friend. I normally stay away from being terribly blunt, however, I agree with you. It appears, from what you’ve written, that you’ve put up with…and put up with…and…it’s getting to be too much. Your guy’s priorities seem to be a little skewed and he may be getting manipulated by this friend/leech.  

There was a period of time when I had a good friend who was out of work, struggling, and I paid him to help me do some stuff around my house, take me to some medical appointments, etc. and it helped me and him. However, eventually he got a good job and he took me to dinner! Likely you know what I’m getting at. There is a time for charity and good will, and there’s a time that people end up in something that hurts others.  

You have a choice to make. If your boyfriend continues to put this other person above you, spending his money on the manipulative “friend,” then you must know that it will continue and you’ll have to face the consequences. That’s your choice. 

You sound like a very hardworking, fair-minded lady who is being completely reasonable. You’ve expressed your concern, and your guy (from what it sounds like) not only won’t listen, but also is turning this on you. He is not treating you in a respectful manner. 

Just give it some thought. You deserve a man who will work as hard at the relationship as you, one who is not financially supporting some dude who is using him as an ATM. It may be time to move on but that’s a decision you must weigh with brutal honesty. I know, ultimately, you’ll do what works for you. Good luck!



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