Pregnant and alone

A pregnant college student has been abandoned by the father of her baby.

Our elder has some advice on how to decide what to do next – starting with finding someone trustworthy to confide in.


Dear EWC

So I’m in college and on my way to get my Master’s degree and I want to be a school teacher, but last week, I found out I was pregnant. The father of my baby is my boyfriend of two years and I thought we were in love and we had the perfect relationship until I told him I was pregnant and he immediately told me I had to get an abortion, but I simply don’t believe in it. He got really mad and said some awful things to me when I refused and it’s easy to say, we split up. I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel right about abortion and adoption I guess is an option but I don’t want my baby to grow up thinking I just threw them away or that they were unwanted, but there is a feeling that I have where I love my baby and I want to raise him or her. On top of all that I’m completely alone. My ex told everyone I know that I cheated on him and got pregnant but he’s the only guy I’ve ever been with but when I tell people that they always believe him. My life feels like it’s crumbling and I feel completely lost. What should I do?


Grammy-Lin replies

Thanks for writing to us. I’ll do my best to weigh in on your situation.

It must be very frightening to have to deal with all of this alone. I’m so sorry that your ex has chosen this way to respond to your pregnancy as if he had no responsibility for it at all. In addition to not helping, he’s trying to destroy your reputation in the process. I hope you remember all this if he ever decides he wants to get back together. When life throws us into stressful situations, we tend to show our true colors, and I believe he’s shown you his. The same with the “friends” who believe his lies. Who needs them?

But to get down to more pressing issues, you have a huge decision to make and I believe it would be easier if you had someone objective to help you. I did a little research and there are lots of pregnancy crisis centers out there. However, I should caution you, many of them are religious and/or anti-abortion and they often give out misinformation and use scare tactics or guilt to force you to keep or adopt out your baby. This may be what you already want to do, but I don’t believe in using tricks to get a woman in the door and then force your own agenda on her when she’s vulnerable.

For this reason, I’m suggesting Planned Parenthood as a starting point for you. Now, some people think PP is all about abortions, but they’re not. They will counsel you about all three of your options: keeping the baby, adopting out the baby, or terminating the pregnancy. Another possibility is to see if your college/university offers counseling to its students. Just talking it through with someone might help you think of possibilities you hadn’t considered. If you’re already 100 percent certain that abortion is not for you, then you might get some counseling from a local church. Sometimes they will even help with baby supplies if you decide to keep the baby yourself. Remember, you are not the first woman to have an unexpected pregnancy and you are not alone. 

You mentioned that you don’t want your baby to grow up thinking that you threw him/her away or didn’t want them. I’ve never been in your situation, but my stepdaughter is adopted and she’s never felt any bitterness towards her birth mother at all. She was raised in a happy and loving home by my husband, his first wife who could not have children. She has always said that she knows her birth mother must have been in a tough situation where she couldn’t keep her, but at least she gave her a chance to have a happy life. There are also cases where the birth mother can do a private adoption and maintain some contact as the child grows up. Some birth mothers also leave letters for their babies to be read to them at a certain age. These are all things you can “negotiate” with an adoption, but you should discuss them with someone who knows more about it than I do. All I know is that adoption has changed a lot over the years and is no longer looked upon as a terrible alternative where a child grows up feeling unloved or abandoned. 

So much to think about. The bottom line is that your ex boyfriend has made it clear he won’t be there for you, so this is entirely your decision. Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing something you may regret, whether it’s abortion, adoption or keeping the baby. Get a few different perspectives and find someone trustworthy who will have your best interest in mind.

I hope this has helped a little bit. Please feel free to write back and let me know how you’re doing and (if you want), what you’ve decided to do. Whatever you choose, I’m here for you. Take care.

Article #: 470528

Category: Other

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