Why do I keep racking up lovers?
Our elder suspects a letter writer may be mistaking attention for love.
EWC Letter
Hello, my problem is, I am very caring, generous and loyal but lately I have been racking up lovers. It started with one man whom I was with for over a year. We loved each other and cared for each other no matter what. but we would argue about everything; money, trust, communication, it felt like it was getting worse and worse, we were always on and off. And half the time I didn’t even know where I stood in the relationship. I got a new job and met a man who was in the same type of frustrating relationship as me. We started to get close, we spent a lot of nights together and started to fall in love with each other. I was with the first man and the second, loving them both. Then I went on a dating website and met a guy who introduced me to his friend and we started hanging out and dating and this third man really likes me. Even though these three men say they care a lot about me I just don’t believe their feelings are real. I feel like I am not worthy of anyone’s love and so I just keep adding on new lovers and not caring about how anyone else feels. I don’t think I know what love is or what feelings are. I am worried that I have a problem with meeting a man, letting him fall in love with me and then leading them on. I don’t know what I’m doing.
PicklesMarie replies
Yes, you are worthy of love! You are caring, generous, and loyal… all good qualities. Also, it seems to me, almost all are worthy of love… though some are more lovable than others. Love often highlights the best qualities of others, making them behave better.
To repeat: yes, you are worthy of love. Real love, however, isn’t a quest to get others to love you… er… act like they love you; initially it is a matter of self love and self respect. It is hard for you to love anyone else and anyone else to love you if you don’t love yourself… er…. have self esteem.
It seems, however, that your tendency to be loyal has turned into a tendency never to break up. Now you still have Guy #1 around who you argue with about everything with. Quite frankly, if that’s the case, as you two have gotten to know one another you two have discovered a lot of incompatibilities. These have probably increased as you’ve gotten to know him better. These incompatibilities probably mean you two are not a good match. Consider letting him go.
You added on work Guy #2 spending nights together before you broke up with Guy #1. Therein lies a mistake in my humble opinion. Mistaken loyalty.
Then you added website Guy as #3. You didn’t care how #1 or #2 felt and took up with this new guy. You are letting him ‘fall in love’. You may be leading him on. This isn’t nice or kind. He, too, may be trying to take advantage of you sexually. Lovers do not always equate to loves. You can make love to someone without loving them and you can’t trust that love expressed during the height of passion is really genuine true love.
It may be that you are mistaking attraction or infatuation or sexual feelings for love. Maybe you need to figure out what love is. Guy #1 disagreed with you after you got to know him. He was probably incompatible, but you didn’t realize that until you knew him well. You wandered off from Guy #2 quickly. This also shows no great love. If you had been truly in love your head wouldn’t have been turned so quickly by Guy #3.
It may also be that you are mistaking attention for love. It may be you are doing what you can to get this attention. This might mean that you are not sure and confident in yourself. You might, I cannot tell, be depending selfishly on these guys to build you up.
It would behove you to figure out what you are doing and why you feel you need multiple men in your life. I suspect that statement on your part may express the main part of your issue. You might want to step back for a while to figure out who you are and who is a good partner to you… and learn who you are and learn to love the good parts of who you are.
Article #: 433266
Category: Dating/Relationship