My husband wants his mother to move in with us and I want to leave. Am I mad, asks a letter writer.
Not at all, says our reassuring elder.
Dear EWC
I have a problem with my husband. OK, here’s our situation. We have been married six years this year. A lot of really significant things medically have transpired since we’ve been married. I almost died from a very severe illness.I do believe I had a miracle healing; so does everyone. Well, I got over that hurdle then he had a heart attack last year. Three stints later and he’s doing good.
Now he sold his business and bought a new manufactured house to put on his 60 acres in Montana where he built his mother a very big, beautiful house. I say his house, his land, because that’s the way he says it. Since we have been married we have separate bank accounts and I have to pay for half of everything. He buys me nothing, not even food. If I run out of money I have to borrow it from him but pay him back right away. Here’s the thing. Now he told me last week he wants his mother to move in to our new house because he said she might get too cold in her big beautiful heated house!!!! What is going on? Am I wrong to leave him because I’m out the door!! I feel like I should have left a long time ago. I’m a fool right? Thanks for listening. I need someone to tell me I’m not crazy for wanting to leave.
Alexandra replies
I’m glad you wrote to us. If all you want is reassurance that you’re not crazy for wanting to leave, then I have to say that based on the information in your letter, you sound perfectly rational and sane.
However, there’s a lot more information I would have liked if you’re actually asking for advice. Do you love your husband? Do you get along with his mother? Were you supportive of each other during your respective illnesses? Can you support yourself financially if you leave? Does your husband know how you feel about this financial arrangement where you have to borrow and pay back money from him? Did you agree to it before the marriage? For that matter, does he know how you feel about his moving his mother in with you—he sounds like a good, loving son, but not such a good, loving husband if he didn’t discuss this with you. Is he even aware that his ‘everything is mine’ attitude is inappropriate? I guess what I’m really asking, is do you talk to each other and discuss these issues? Communication is so important in a marriage.
If he would agree to go for marriage counseling with you, perhaps a professional therapist could help you get your marriage back on track. Presumably you had feelings for each other six years ago. Isn’t it worth a try? However, if he isn’t open to that and you’re truly ‘out the door’, the best advice I can offer you is talk to a lawyer before you take that step. You might also consider some personal counseling for yourself to help you put everything in perspective and make sure you make the right decision.
I can tell that you’re really upset and frustrated with the situation. After experiencing a miracle healing, it would be a shame to waste any of the precious life that has been given back to you in being unhappy.
I wish you the very, very best and I truly hope things will work out for you. Please feel free to write back if you want to talk more. We’re here to listen.
Letter #: 411003
Category: Marriage