Just friends? I didn’t mean it!

I really like this guy but now I’ve messed up my chance. 

Our elder helps a letter writer through a communications mix-up.


Dear EWC 

Today I told my friend that I wanted to just be friends because that’s what I thought he wanted. But I got a text from him wanting to talk about what I said. I told him that I was attracted to him but didn’t like him and that’s what I thought he wanted. But he told me that he kinda liked me, even though it seemed like he didn’t care. I kept apologizing but I feel like he’s being very passive aggressive. I don’t know what to do. We both have been hurt by past relationships, and we are just now starting to heal. I feel like I really messed up any chance with him. What should I do? Please respond as soon as you can.


Hawk replies

I can definitely see why you are at wits’ end with this mix-up. It seems like a series of mishaps from the beginning and no wonder you are confused. First of all, don’t feel like you have messed things up permanently. While it may seem like this situation is hopeless, I don’t think it is. With a clear head and some fresh eyes on your problem, you should be able to work through this. 

First of all, I appreciate the fact that you said you both had been hurt in other relationships and are healing from that. That’s really the starting point for this mix-up. It seems like you both are carrying some baggage. Without fully healing your past pain, you risk the chance of having that pain repeat in your current relationship.  For example, if an old boyfriend cheated, you will be likely to have trust issues with a new boyfriend if you haven’t worked through that on your own. So, an awareness that you both have issues from old relationships is huge and always take that into consideration when working through problems. 

Now after my warning about past relationships haunting current ones, I would have to say that you two need to stop assuming what the other person wants. You have a lot of assumptions going in and it seems as if none of them are based on actual experiences. First and foremost, I would contact your friend and ask to meet for a talk. Honesty is the best policy. There’s nothing wrong with you saying that you are confused about what he wants and what you want and tell him that you would really like the chance to begin again. I think you should convey your feelings that you mistakenly misread his behavior and thought he wasn’t interested in being boyfriend/girlfriend. The more that you can open up about your true feelings and ask for that in return, the more you will be better equipped to navigate your relationship. Honest and direct communication with a desire to really listen to each other will serve you well in this relationship. In fact, that’s a life lesson that will serve you well for many years to come. 

I hope that I have eased your worry and anxiety a bit. Take a few deep breaths and get your plan of action together. Always know that you have the most power when you can thoughtfully respond to a situation rather than just reacting in fear. If this is the guy for you, he will have the desire to work through this. Keep in mind that how you are feeling is just as important as how he is feeling. I wish you much success in resolving this situation to your satisfaction. Please let us know if you need any additional help. 

Article #: 412393

Category: Dating/Relationship

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