Is it time to stop belittling them? A letter writer is questioning herself after a bad breakup. 

Stop seeing men as competition, says our elder, and look at them as people.

 

Dear EWC

Hi, I recently ended a relationship, which has been a very saddening process for me. We both loved each other so much, but unfortunately our relationship had begun to go sour, we were starting to fight constantly and I felt that he didn’t understand me anymore. I felt like I could no longer fully be myself and that we both wanted to alter things about each other. As I’m trying to move past this, I have been thinking a lot about both my past relationships, and how to approach potential future ones. When I meet a guy, I typically belittle them in one way or another – not on a large scale, but small bits of conversation that makes me feel like I have a leg up. It makes me feel empowered, and has gained me respect before. On the other hand, I have heard that “What goes around comes around”, and I can’t help but think that maybe my attitude in this sense is what caused some of my relationships to go sour. I’m torn. I have been respected before because of my presence and the desire to be intimidating to men, and have also heard that being ‘nice’ as a woman is not who you should be just because society has conditioned us as so. But, I am left wondering if this approach is unsustainable. Any advice? Thank you!

 

Salvador replies

Start by having some close introspection. Have you been like this all the time regarding your apparent competition with men to feel that you are better than them? Think back and see if you have had this problem with relationships since you started dating. You may have to go back further in your life. Maybe your upbringing is the root cause. However, if you were not this way before, think of the time when you changed. Maybe you had an impactful experience that scared you emotionally.

My suggestion would be for you to see men as you see any person. They came in all shapes, forms, personalities, etc. as anybody else. Think hard about why you want to have the upper hand all the time.

From what I can see, you want to be happy and have a good relationship. Put that as your goal. To achieve goals, you have to make plans. In your plan, set a strategy. Make a list of things you do to put down men. Start working on ways to avoid those things little by little. Don’t try to change everything right away. In other words, you have to create new habits.

Have a close friend help you. You have to be very honest and have the strength to hear what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Ask that friend to be totally honest and tell you what he or she thinks are your problems relating to people. Ask him or her to be specific. “Am I sarcastic?” If he or she says “yes.” Ask what you do when you are sarcastic and why. The same for other ways you behave. Those things can be in your list and start working on them.

You could consider going to a counselor. He or she may help you sort out the reason why you are that way.

I hope this reply helped and that it all works out for you.

Best Regards,

Salvador