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I keep falling for girls…

And my Muslim family won’t like it. 

You may have to compromise, says our elder. But whatever happens, know this: you are not a sin.

 

Dear EWC

I am a girl and I thought I should be trans because I had a crush on multiple girls before. I made myself watch naked men hoping that I would stop falling for girls. However, I know I am not trans. I am comfortable with the sex I was given at birth. I still have boy crushes too but not at the same time. I feel like my existence was a mistake and I started watching coming out vids on the internet and I just know that I will never be in their place or even near it as my family is extremely religious and homophobic. However, they only accept trans people. I used to tell mom when I was young that I wanted to be a boy and she would ask me why and I couldn’t answer because my reason was that I liked a girl back then. I am Muslim and Arab so it’s extremely hard for me to accept myself. I always imagine myself being lonely when I grow up because I know that I will never let myself be with someone I truly love.

 

Folk replies

I understand why you feel the way you do. Your family and your religion and your culture are all important to you, and since they view homosexuality as a grave sin, you view yourself that way too. But you are not a sin. To my way of thinking, the fact that you were born with the feelings you have is part of God’s plan. God created everything, including you. God made you the way you are on purpose. You didn’t choose to have these feelings, after all; they were just there. From an early age, you knew you liked girls. When you got older, you tried to make yourself stop falling for girls by watching naked videos of men, but it didn’t work. The reason it didn’t work is that your feelings are not a personal choice. Rather, they are an expression of a divine will. 

I am an old woman now, but when I was young, the attitude toward homosexuality in the Christian West was exactly the same as it is your culture now. In other words, just like you, I grew up in a society that regarded homosexuality as a grave sin. But during my lifetime, I saw this attitude change in a big way. There are gay Muslims working hard right now to liberalize Islam, and maybe they will succeed during your lifetime. There are already a number of mosques throughout the world (in Berlin, Toronto, and the U.S.) that are LGBTQ-affirming (https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/28/us/lgbt-muslims-pride-progress/index.html). There is also a cyber community aimed at helping Muslim gays reconcile their sexuality with their religion (Al-Faitha, Imam, Safra). The activists who manage these websites believe that Islam’s repressive morality toward homosexuality does not belong to God, and so, it is susceptible to change. But what if this change doesn’t happen? Or what if it doesn’t happen fast enough to help you? What should you do? There is no one right answer to this question. Rather, the answer to this question depends on what you value most and what you most want out of life.

If what you want most of all is to be able to share your life with a woman you love, you may have to leave your community, your family, and maybe even your faith. Doing this can be very, very difficult and cause much pain, but others have done it, and you can too. On the other hand, if what you want most is to have children, to fit into your community, and to remain close to your family, you may decide to marry a boy. You say you have crushed on boys too, so you may surprise yourself by being able to fall in love with one. Falling in love and getting married to a boy may not stop you from continuing to have crushes on girls, but lots of married people have crushes that are unable to ever act on.

I realize that neither of these options is ideal. Ideally, you would like to just be yourself and to be accepted for who you are. Life, however, is a series of choices, conflicts, and compromises for all of us. The important thing to remember is that whatever you decide to do about your feelings, you are not a mistake. God made you the way you are, and God does not make mistakes.

I hope this helps. I am always here if you’d like to talk more about this. Please try to write back if you can to let me know how you are coping. I will be thinking of you.

Article #: 464177

Category: Self-Improvement

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