My crush and her toxic gf

I really like this girl but her abusive partner won’t let her go. What do I do?

I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do, says our elder. Move on and focus on your own needs.


Dear EWC

Okay so I liked this girl, D, when she was in a relationship. A toxic relationship and I backed away from her when I found out, but she came back to me and we got close. Like I started to love her, I loved her so much that she went to the hospital for her blood sugar and I was so worried for her I had a panic attack so bad it temporarily paralyzed me and I went to the hospital with her. We have been through literally everything together, but her “gf” is crazy. She talks to her like she is worthless but she is not allowed to get out of the relationship without being literally abused. Her mental health got bad because of her and I was helping her through it and she said I was her peace she needed. Her gf keeps blocking me off her phone to where I cannot talk to her because she knows D loves me and she just will not let her go. On top of that, the gf blocked like all of D’s literal friends. Like she blocked her best friend of 3 years. And so, nobody can contact her except the gf basically and she tries to physically fight me every time I just look at D. 

I do not know what to do at all. Like what do I even do? Do I fight her so she does not have the right to talk anymore or do I wait it out… do I move on… do I try to find a way to contact her… do I report the abuse… Do I tell somebody? What do I do? I have bad anxiety and it is making me so anxious and it is not fair. It is not fair that she is with her when she’s like that and all I’ve ever done is care. What do I do?


SaraJ replies

Thank you for writing the Elder Wisdom Circle and asking for advice on this difficult situation. I hope I can offer you a neutral perspective.

In reading your description of the scenario that D is “choosing” to be in, I can feel your concern for her. Unfortunately, there is only one person who can help her and that’s D herself. As hard as it may be to accept, there’s something D is getting out of this toxic relationship. I’m not going to analyze what that is but it may be a very complex need that she has to be with an abusive partner.

My advice to you is to move on. There really isn’t anything for you here. Even if D one day chooses to leave her girlfriend, it could take her months or years of healing before she’d be ready for a healthy relationship with you or anyone else.

Please put yourself first and recognize that you deserve to be with someone who is free to love you to the same degree that you love them. Take the time to find out who you are and what you need. Then learn how to express this to another person in a loving way. I think if you do this for all areas of your life, you will find that your anxiety diminishes dramatically. So often, our anxiety is tied to feeling out of control and fearing that we are going to get hurt because we don’t know how to protect ourselves.

If you aren’t already doing it, I suggest you take up journaling. You don’t need any special book as any notebook will work fine. Your goal is: Once a day, write down at least three things you’re grateful for, three things that are causing you anxiety and three-to-five things you hope to accomplish. If you want to write more, there’s no limit to what you express. This is only for you!

Please try this for two weeks and write me again and tell me how you’re feeling.

Wishing you all the best. You can do this!

Article #: 493995

Category: Dating/Relationship

One Comment

  1. Great advice! Only the “victim” can make the choice to leave a bad relationship, and 2 victims are 2 too many.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *