Too shy to ask for her number 

I really like this girl in my lab group, but I’m too nervous to ask her out. 

You have nothing to lose, says our elder. Follow your heart and go for it!


Dear EWC

There’s this girl in my lab group who I really like. We have quite a bit in common, have talked a lot and gotten to know each other a bit in our class. I really want to ask her for her number and ask her if she wants to get together and maybe go for a run sometime, something we both enjoy. But I’m really nervous and just can’t get myself to say anything like that to her. I can tell stories and jokes and make her laugh and I show genuine interest in what she has to say, but I can’t get myself to ask her number. I’ve tried waiting until after class to see if I can get a chance to ask her for her number one-on-one outside of our lab group but I just can’t. Partially because I don’t have the guts but also because she leaves right away and I can’t find the time to ask her after. I don’t really want to ask her in front of the other two kids in our lab group though. I’ve never asked a girl out or for her number before but I really don’t want to let this one pass. It makes sense in my head that I really don’t have much to lose but I just can’t help but overthink things. I really don’t know what to do but I need some advice.


Grandpa-Matt replies

Overthinking is the thing that stops the action. I’ll do my best to guess the roadblocks presented when you were overthinking. Since I am neither a therapist nor a mind reader, I can only speculate which fear or combination of fears has hijacked your mind. 

Your unwillingness to take a risk could be because of the fear of rejection. Perhaps it is even the more profound fear that you are not good enough, acceptable enough, charming enough, etc., for this girl to want to take up with you. A person who overthinks is looking for the perfect solution with no chance of messing things up. Does this sound familiar? Our thoughts are mostly negative. Have you noticed that little or no positive ideas are involved when you begin to overthink? We want to be safe, correct, and blameless in our fantasy about the future outcome of the issue. There is a realization that some action is required, but the fear of making the wrong decision thwarts the correct moves.

You have a conflict between your heart and your mind. Your heart wants to connect and have a relationship, while your mind is full of the fears we mentioned. When you claim, “I’m really nervous and just can’t get myself to say anything,” it is inaccurate. What you mean is, “I won’t get myself to say anything”. 

Do you want advice or encouragement? Courage is self-generated. I would not wait for the courage to appear to take the risk of reaching out to her, or you could remain to wait forever. As the Wizard of Oz told the Cowardly Lion in the story, courage will appear to support you the moment when you take action. You will know the right moment to act! 

Let’s talk about rejection. What you must keep in mind is that we are not rejected as a person when we get a refusal. It is just that the offer is turned down. For example, if someone wants to give you something to eat that you don’t like (maybe liver) and you turn it down, you are rejecting the offer, not the person who offered it to you. Many times, if someone turns you down, it is not always about you. Someone might have many reasons that it doesn’t work for them. 

Metaphorically, If a girl discovers a diamond in the earth but, through ignorance or short-sightedness, believes it to be a worthless stone and throws it away, doesn’t this tell us more about the girl than the diamond? If you are the diamond and she does not see the value in you, it doesn’t lessen your value any more than the diamond loses its value. It applies no matter who fears rejection, guys or gals.

If you pass up the opportunity to speak to her about your heart’s desire, it is a one hundred percent probability that you will fail to capture her interest. However, if you do take the risk, it becomes at least a 50-50 chance of success. You have much to gain and nothing to lose! My advice is to follow your heart and go for it!

Article #: 494685
Category: Dating/Relationship

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *