We hang out; we watch movies; we’ve even had sex. Is a kiss too much to ask for?

Our elder has some advice on starting the conversation.

Dear EWC

So I’ve been talking to this guy for three months now but we’ve never kissed. Why do you think he hasn’t kissed me yet? We’ve had sex but never have we kissed. But he’s very nice. We spend literally Thursday to Sunday together because we both have school on the other days. He spends the night at my place I spend a night at his. He buys me food; we go out and get food. We even chill and just watch movies together and laugh, nothing sexual just hanging out. He’s 21 and I’m 20. So the question is why hasn’t he kissed me yet?

Hawk replies

Great question and I can see why you are seeking advice. While three months can be a relationship marker for some, it also isn’t a long enough time to fully get to know someone’s likes and dislikes. Even if your relationship stands the test of time, you will continue to learn new things about each other every day. A successful relationship is one that can appreciate differences while maintaining the ability to compromise and meet in the middle.

It seems to me that other than the kissing part, you are happy with him. You two spend time together and probably have a lot in common. The most important thing is that he respects you and treats you well. I didn’t hear any complaints about that. So, that brings us to why isn’t he a kisser? My guess is that it is all on his end and nothing really to do with you. The only way, though, you are going to know for sure is to talk to him about it. You are sexually active so I assume that you went through a period of learning what is pleasurable for you both. Since you are intimate with him, it is perfectly reasonable that you ask him why he doesn’t initiate kissing. Some people are just naturally reticent to show affection outside of the actual sexual encounter. I would, however, let him know that kissing is important to you and you like to be affectionate when just hanging out together. He may really have no idea how important that is to you.  I wouldn’t try to read a lot into his not kissing you until you have had a conversation with him about it.  Approach it casually and without putting him on the spot.  A simple question like “Hey, I noticed you don’t kiss often” can open up that dialogue.

I would caution you, though, against just always following his lead. What has happened when you tried to kiss him? Or are you always waiting for him first? Your likes and desires are equally important and don’t be hesitate to ask questions and let your feelings be known. We all have needs that are important to us. But he will never know how important that is to you until you communicate your feelings. If he truly cares about you, he will go out of his way to make sure your needs are met too. I hope this advice helps you and may nothing but goodness and joy come your way. Please let us know if we can be of further help.

Letter #: 412403
Category: Dating/Relationship

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