It’s only been six months but he’s already talking about joint bank accounts and moving in together.

Say no, says our elder — it’s way too soon.

Dear EWC

My boyfriend is someone that gets very overly attached to everything. We have only been together for six months and he is now thinking about us getting a joint bank account and moving in together. He is only 19 and I am 20, and I have a child from a previous relationship that he is very fine with and accepting of. However I feel that he is rushing into things even though I already told him that I want to take things slow. He is only focused on the future and plans that can wait and aren’t urgent right now. He behaves as though we are older and that we are running out of time and need to get everything done quickly. I have told him before that we should also focus on our individual goals and he says that he doesn’t understand what I mean and that we should only focus on things that involve each other. I have asked him if he has any goals and he only names things that involve me and I asked about goals that don’t involve and he told me he has none.

He is somebody that gets hurt and is insecure in some ways. I once suggested that we cut back on how much we see each in order to focus on what we wanted to achieve and he got upset. I want to tell him that everything needs to slow down but I feel as though he’ll get upset and our relationship is going great so far except for the attachment issue. How can I handle this?

Pickles Marie replies

Sorry you’re in this situation. Great that you noticed! Your boyfriend is rushing you. He wants a joint bank account and moving in together… regardless of the fact you want to wait. Pay attention to those feelings of yours. I am glad you asked for adult input. How might you handle his pressuring?

– Say no. No to a joint bank account. (I, personally, who have been married twice, once for about 20 years and about 30 years, see only problems with joint bank accounts. I have never had one… and never will.) Just say no to this request. Putting all your finances together, to my mind, isn’t necessary or good. 

– Say no. No to moving in together. It has only been six months… you won’t know him well enough.  According to experts you will have know him 12-18 months to see who he is. You’re not feeling comfortable enough to move together. Though you can’t put a finger on the reason, pay close attention.

– Say No. No to abandoning your individual goals. You are right; he ought to have individual goals of his own. You are right; the fact that he doesn’t makes it all seem sort of creepy… like he wants to live off you or expects you to ‘mommy’ him. 

Your boyfriend gets overly attached. This might signal a needy or malformed personality. He doesn’t want you to focus on your individual goals; he wants you to focus on him. It certainly doesn’t mean this young man is mature enough for a good relationship. 

How do you handle this? 

Well, first you try to reason with him. Talk to him several times calmly and firmly. (Tears or anger may make him think you don’t mean what you say.) Give him a chance to change. (If, however, he doesn’t change, do not stay with him longer and longer. That would be a mistake!)

Then, if he can’t or won’t change, you leave this fellow. This relationship is in its infancy and he’s already showing signs of neediness and wanting to control. Be wary. It seems to me from the little you share that this fellow is leaning on you rather than standing shoulder to shoulder with you. 

He may seem to love you when he’s not pressuring you for attention or to move in with him. It is time you learn to stand on your own two feet… and not allow him to sway you. It already only six months in and you are afraid to upset him… and feel you have to baby him. This, to my mind, isn’t a good relationship!

Be careful. Such a fellow may put on a show in order to keep you in place. He may threaten to hurt you or your family or himself. See the threats as attempts to get you to do what he wants you to do… see the threats as not loving… just controlling. Control is not, in any way, shape, or form, an expression of love.

Fellows like this (a generalization on my part) tend to find nurturing girls who aren’t able to stand up for themselves. It may be that you need to stand up!

I hope I’ve been of help. Please don’t hesitate to write to us again for help. Stay strong and look out for yourself dear girl!

Letter #: 430392
Category: Dating/Relationship

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