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He came out for my sake…

…but I don’t want to date him any more! A letter writer is feeling guilty about wanting to end a relationship after just a few dates.

You’ve got to do what’s right for you, says our elder.

Dear EWC

About two weeks ago, I met a guy at our university. We were eating at the dining hall; both of us went alone. We sat at tables by each other, and after a bit he asked me a question about the meal plans. We then ultimately had a long conversation and I joined his table and we ate together. The next three nights, we hung out. We went and ate pancakes, went and watched a horror movie and played card games. He asked me out on a date the third day; I didn’t know what to say. I mean, I didn’t dislike him, but I had only known him for three days! So, mostly not wanting to hurt his feelings, I said yes. The next day we both finished up our finals and headed home. He came over and took me out to eat and to meet his friends back at his home town. His friends were nice; he was nice. Nothing was ‘bad’ but I realized I really didn’t want to be with him.

About three days later, I decide to stop being a coward and that I need to tell him I don’t want to see him in that sense anymore. But before I got around to it, he told me he told his family he was gay because he really enjoyed our date and wanted me to meet his family. His family apparently took it poorly and yelled at him, threatened to send him to pastors to ‘fix him’ through ‘counselling’ and all that really great fun stuff… Given he just came out and got a terrible reaction from his family just because he liked me so much, I didn’t have the heart to tell him I wasn’t interested. Anyhow, he wants to go out again this Wednesday. I don’t know what to do. I really feel bad about breaking up, especially given the fact he came out to his conservative family knowing they’d be mad just to try to somehow strengthen our relationship. I really don’t want to date him any longer. On an empathetic side I feel awful for him, as I had a bad coming out experience with my family. I dunno if I could live with myself if I left him on his own during this emotionally taxing part of his life. But it’s also crummy of me to lead him on any more than I already have. But I also don’t like how rushed it feels — we literally went out on one date, and he has since already referred to me as his boyfriend. It really makes me uncomfortable.

Excelsior replies

I understand how you must feel, but if may help if you keep in mind that your first priority in life, as it is for us all, is our own welfare. It’s natural to feel bad about pushing someone out of your life, but for a relationship to be real, it must be mutual — as I’m sure you know and appreciate. Much as we don’t want someone to feel pain, it’s the guy’s issue to deal with, no matter what. You have your own life to lead, and it’s up to him to lead his. I suggest you tell him that you don’t think that you and he have a future, and that you have to say no to his invitation. Good luck.

Letter #: 433294
Category: Dating/Relationship

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