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Can his bestie make him choose?

My boyfriend’s best friend hates me and wanted him to choose between us. Am I the problem here?

Your BF’s friend is an immature jerk, says our elder, but he can’t split you up. Just roll with it!

Dear EWC

I know all of this stuff that’s happening should seem silly and not important cause it’s just high school but I’ve been dating a guy for a while now. He and I were very good friends and I truly believe I love him. With everything inside of me. Nothing has felt more real than this and I want to keep it. His best friend of six years told me he hates me and that I stole his best friend from him. He told me we are terrible for each other and when I need somebody I will have no one. Then he texted my boyfriend and was going to make him choose between the two of us. However he also has a girlfriend, and both of them ignore and are mean to my boyfriend.

Anyways, the two boys were forced to talk it out. But my boyfriend and I just kind of ignored the whole situation and I haven’t even looked at the other guy since. They are together right now so I don’t want to be talking to and texting my boyfriend but I’m hurting and struggling so bad right now. It’s like an open wound and every time I think about what happened I start to cry. I couldn’t talk about this to anyone so I guess my boyfriend’s best friend was right. I know he’s just jealous and selfish but I don’t understand how to make everyone and myself happy. And I don’t want to upset his best friend again in fear he might make my boyfriend choose between us. He shouldn’t have to do that. We support him and his relationship and he can’t even be happy for us. I’m currently crying in bed but can’t do anything about it because I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. I feel like I’m causing problems and I don’t want to be a problem. If I am then why am I still sticking around?

ConstanceF replies

I know very well how real everything feels at your age. There are some things we never forget! But that being said, here is another truth: no matter how much you love your boyfriend right now, chances are very good that this is not going to be the romance that lasts forever. The relationships we develop in our teens are meant to be practice for what comes later. So in your case, you are up against the jealous friend, and this is definitely something that you may come up against again. It happens that as boys pull away from their male friends in order to spend time with a girl, the male friends get jealous. Even if those male friends also have girlfriends.

Your BF’s friend is an immature jerk. Trying to make your BF choose between him and you is ridiculous. It’s like telling someone they have to choose between white socks and blue socks. Each has their place, as has been proven by the fact that as you were writing to us, your BF was spending time with his male friend.

The sad fact is that you can’t make everyone happy. What you can do is let your BF know that you don’t expect him to spend all his free time with you, that it’s OK to spend time with his buddies too. Let him know that you expect to still spend time with your girlfriends as well. Operating in a vacuum with just the two of you is not healthy. In a mature relationship, each partner still maintains a certain amount of autonomy, and that includes hanging out with their same-sex friends.

I don’t believe there is any way that the friend can “make” your BF choose between the two of you. If he tries, simply roll with it. If you come up the loser, know that your BF was in your life for a reason and a season, but wasn’t meant for the long haul. As you continue in school, graduate, and then go off to college (or a career), it’s doubtful that current BF will be there by your side. Not because he isn’t a great guy, but we do a lot of changing in the next ten years and you’re only just beginning the journey. Sometimes it will be bumpy and uncomfortable, other times it will be like a moonlight cruise. Take it all in and enjoy the journey. There really is no final destination, it’s about continuing to learn and grow. Best wishes to you.

Letter #: 435633
Category: Dating/Relationship

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