I’m too dependent on my BF…

… and he says he’ll leave me if I don’t change. It’s time to stop being so clingy, and take charge of your own life, says our elder. Think positive — and be patient. 

Dear EWC

Hi, I have been bullied my entire life and have always been on my own. When I was younger I just read books all day, when I got older I watched series all day. Just to kill some time, I didn’t know what else to do. And when it was time to pick an education I started one that I was just interested in at that moment. I did go there and worked really hard. Long days at school and making homework at home, no time for myself left. Then I got a boyfriend, all the spare time I had gone to do things with him, he was my only happiness. Then I quit school because I couldn’t handle it because I was depressed. And I started seeing my boyfriend every day. We had so much fun. But couldn’t keep seeing each other every day (we could travel for free at that time, but then it stopped because of our age). 

At first, we were doing OK with that. I got more and more depressed but we still had fun when we saw each other. But I started relying on him. I got so depressed and had no-one else and the only happy memories I had were with him. I was no-one, I just ‘survived’ until the next time we would meet again. Or until he would be on Skype or WhatsApp to talk to. But he doesn’t want that anymore. He doesn’t want to be the person I rely on. I don’t have a life, I don’t have anything interesting to say or do because I’m just lost… It’s hard to explain but I’m like a depressed zombie relying on my boyfriend to choose what I do. And he loves me. But he doesn’t want to carry this weight anymore — he wants me to be able to have fun and all. It’s dragging him down and he said that if I don’t change, he will leave me. And I understand. 

So now I am all on my own. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t have any friends that I talk to about negative things with. I am all on my own in this. Now I have to find myself. But it is so hard because I am all alone. I don’t know what to do. Everyone says ‘take some time for yourself’ but I have chronic depression. so instead of thinking about my life, I just start crying, hating myself. Psychologists are too expensive to go to. Mostly, I just need to know how to find myself to be happy with my boyfriend and not depend on him. How I can get rid of the negative thoughts every time I want to think and be on my own. Every time I try something I lose my concentration. I start crying, missing my boyfriend and feeling lonely every time I try. I don’t know where to start or what to do to make my life better. I already tried so many things: going for a walk, meeting with friends, working more/less. But nothing seems to work for me. I always hate myself for being no-one, for not knowing what I want. I am 22 and have to start thinking about my future. But I can barely do this or figure out what I like. Thank you for trying to help.

PicklesMarie replies

The main overwhelming problem seems to be that you hate yourself; obviously you need to learn to love yourself and give yourself constructive criticism. While you criticize yourself, it is not constructive. It is destructive because you use it to hate yourself. 

Your boyfriend is growing tired of holding you up. It is as if you are drowning and he’s busy, all the time, trying to rescue you. How tiring! He is beginning to resent your dependency — and may soon long to be rid of you. 

While your clinging and dependence may have been charming in the beginning, your boyfriend is now tired of filling in for the books and TV series by keeping you entertained while you, personally, accomplish nothing. At 22, I think you ought to be taking charge of your life by getting some training or education so you can get an adult job beyond high school. You can’t expect a man to support you — you need to be capable of being a partner in any relationship.

Those things you’ve tried are good. Keep going for walks. Keep meeting with friends. Keep working. Those things do help. However, the trash talk you allow your mind to keep giving you about being worthless and no one defeats you. Please realize that just because you think something… it might not be right. 

Most friends do not like to listen to many, if any, of your problems. That’s normal since they have issues of their own. Try talking, instead of  a parent or journaling your issues since the mere act of writing a problem down can help you to stop worrying about it… and, later, you may reflect on it and see it as minor. Sometimes, too, your problems are common enough that you can find different approaches online to help solve or shelf them. 

As I said before, this is the time in your life, in my humble opinion, to set yourself up so you can hold down a job that pays an adult wage and benefits. This boyfriend, who has already tired of your dependence, may be ready to leave you. If he does, take some time to be by yourself and develop independence. 

Since you don’t know what you like, talk to a college counselor (even if you don’t intend on attending college) to get clues on what to do. There are tests you can take to determine talents/interests. It may be that you only want a job to earn money… and that’s okay. Some of us have passions and some don’t.

You feel you have chronological depression. Some depression is caused by chemical imbalances and requires medical treatment, some don’t. Has your depression been diagnosed by a professional… or do you just think you’re depressed… and therefore excuse yourself when you try nothing? 

I’ve tried to get you to think about things differently. How you think about things and yourself makes all the difference. 

You are young — you will eventually figure things and yourself out. Be patient. Most of all is positive and hopeful. 

I hope I’ve been of some help. Please don’t hesitate to write to me or EWC for more help. We’re old people… and most have gone through what you’re experiencing. Good luck as you go forward! 

 Letter #: 444810
Category: Self-Improvement


  1. Hi, I’m just abit confused with life at the moment and I’m not sure what to do, I’m 20 years old and I’ve done a motor vehicle maintenance course at college but I don’t enjoy it and I feel it’s a wrong career decision for me. I enjoy doing sports such as football but I wouldn’t know if it would be a good choice for me to do because I feel football is my passion but what’s dragging me down is that I haven’t got experience as a young child but only as a adult (18) and I’m not sure if I should do something I enjoy and have a passion for or to do something I don’t enjoy.

    1. Administration Reply
      October 7, 2019

      Hi Blane — We would love to help, please complete the short form on the ‘Ask for Advice‘ page.

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