… All. The. Time. I know it annoys him, but I hate it when he wants to go out.
Our elder suspects the letter writer’s new baby has a lot to do with it and prescribes some much-needed me-time.
Dear EWC
Hello, I am seeking advice on my marriage of one year. Ever since we have married, I tend to want my husband by my side most of the time. What I mean is, when he is not working or when he is not busy with work-related stuff, I want him to spend his time with me. I would not consider myself controlling or of that sort, but I do believe I am annoyed by being this way. Whenever he plans to go out with his guy friends, I give him an attitude or my mood goes down. Then after he comes home from hanging out with his friends, I am upset at him and continue having a low mood. I don’t really want to be this way. Especially now that we have a two-month-old baby. I do trust my husband, so I don’t know what makes me this way towards him when he wants to go out. He tells me this is a problem that we must solve (and I have been trying to change for the last couple of months), but occasionally I still do the same thing. I do believe moving 11 hours away from home and away from my own family plays a role in this behavior. Please give me advice on what I can do to be more understanding and a better wife.
Folk replies
It doesn’t sound to me like you are controlling or clingy. Rather, it sounds to me like you are lonely. You need adult interaction and your husband is the only adult around you can get it from because your family and friends are all 11 hours away, and you are stuck at home with a two-month-old baby. In other words, it’s not that you don’t trust your husband or that you don’t want him to go out and have a good time with his friends; it’s simply that you need some companionship, someone to talk to.
I think there’s a way to solve this problem that might work. Instead of giving your husband attitude when he wants to enjoy some guy time, why not agree to let him have it in exchange for some ‘me’ time of your own? If your husband would agree to watch the baby for a few hours a week so that you could go out and do something that you’d like to do — take a pottery class, see a movie, work out at the gym, join a book club etc. — you wouldn’t have to rely solely on him for conversation and companionship.
Something else that may help is signing you and your baby up for some Mom and Me classes. Joining a playgroup is a fun way to get baby to experience new things — and for you to get out and make new-mom friends. Play sessions can be formal classes with music, movement, songs and learning at places such as The Little Gym, Gymboree, Kidville or My Gym. Or they can just be a bunch of parents and babies picnicking at the park. A good way to find out about what kinds of activities are available in your neighborhood is to contact your local library or YMCA or check the bulletin boards at your neighborhood market.
I hope this helps. I am always here if you’d like to talk more about this. If you can, try to write back and let me know how you are doing. I will be thinking of you.
Letter #: 448143
Category: Marriage