He gets in the way of what I want to do, but I don’t have any other friends.
That’s a red flag, says our elder. There’s no reason to stay with him; it’s time to do your own thing.
I’ve been dating this boy for almost 10 months now, on and off, but recently I’ve been wanting to put the relationship off because I’m just not ready for how serious it’s getting for me. I’ve met his family and he’s met mine; I sleep over at his house; we’re always around each other when we can. But I have been wanting to do my own thing and I feel like he gets in the way of things. I also don’t really enjoy the sex but I have tried to ignore that because that’s not the most important thing in a relationship, right? But anytime we’re technically not together I get lonely because I have no friends, so I always find myself reaching out to him and that cycle just doesn’t end. I don’t know what to do.
Thank you for writing to us for advice. I can see that you are conflicted about your boyfriend. You describe several reasons for backing out of the relationship, but only one for staying, and that is because you will be lonely having no other friends.
I think this last reason raises a red flag. Why don’t you have other friends? Have you devoted all of your free time to your boyfriend? Has he kept you away from your other friends? I think it’s important not to build your whole life around just one person, no matter how important he/she is to you.
I can’t see any good reason for you to stay with him. I don’t know your age but guessing high school or college. If so, dating is what you’re supposed to do at this time of your life. You are supposed to meet lots of people, learn about yourself by how you ‘work’ with different personalities, learn how to begin and end relationships gracefully, and above all, have fun along the way. While it seems like just fun, dating is also serious work. It’s part of your evolution. No one said it would be easy because of the drama and the difficulty in learning who we are and who we can and can’t relate to. Think of this as an exploration. Don’t get stuck with one boy who you don’t even enjoy (yes, sex is very important!) and aren’t ready to commit to.
I can’t emphasize enough how healthy it is for you to want to “do your own thing.” If not now, when? Break free and put yourself out there to make new friends, try new things, and find yourself. It takes some courage but will be so worth it. The best way is to look around for some activities you enjoy, sign up, and you will automatically find people with the same interest. Reach out to someone with a big smile and concentrate on making them comfortable. It takes practice and will get easier.
Just because you are alone for a while doesn’t mean you have to be lonely. Use the time to develop your interests and hobbies, get some fun exercise, and use your imagination. Maybe you can form your own group if you can’t find one you like. Perhaps you will even find a new boyfriend! There are endless possibilities and it would be a shame for you to waste another minute with a boy you just aren’t that excited about.
I hope this helps. Good luck.
Letter #: 454492