Stuck in a rut

I’ve been with my fiancé for ten years and I’m not sure I want to stay with him.

Think of the future, says our elder. Have a talk with him; but concentrate on gaining financial independence too.

Dear EWC

I am 28 years old and I have been with my fiancé since I was 18. We now have a two-year-old daughter together. We got engaged on our six-year anniversary and still have not tied the knot due to his own personal issues. We hardly get along anymore but still love each other very much. We’re struggling financially, and neither of us is working. I guess what I’m wondering is if I should still stay with him or find someone who has their stuff together? I am unemployed at the moment, but I’d really like a partner who can help support the household. I’m just at a loss. I don’t know what to do. Any advice from an outside perspective would be amazing.

GrannyJ replies

Thank you for writing to EWC. After reading your letter, it sounds to me like your relationship, and your life, have become stagnant, and it’s probably time for some change. I imagine that your perspective on life is probably much different now at 28 than it was at 18. You have matured and now have a child to raise, so you are able to see that your current situation just isn’t working, right?

It’s hard when you love someone but the relationship is not healthy. You’ve been with this man for ten years. I’m pretty sure you are unable to see a future with him. I don’t know the details about his personal issues and why he is not working, but I suspect that if you do nothing, this situation will never change.

If you love him and are not ready to sever ties, my suggestion is to look into the future and think about how you want your life to be, and set some goals. How do you want things to be in the next year, and in five years? What do you need to do to achieve your goals? Then I suggest having an honest discussion with your fiancé about your plan and goals to see if he wants to be a part of them (which will include getting a job and possibly getting married). Make it clear you are tired of the status quo. Let him know you are moving forward with your life and if he doesn’t want to participate, you will do it without him. If he does not make any effort to change, then you will have your answer, and it will be time to cut your ties and move on.

In my opinion, gaining some financial independence for you and your daughter should be a top goal right now. This will give you a lot more options for your future. If you did decide to end things with your fiancé, you would at least be able to take care of yourself and your daughter. Eventually, having a partner that could contribute to supporting the household would then be icing on the cake.

I hope my perspective will help you decide what you need to do. You’re welcome to write again if you need more advice. I hope things work out for you and I wish you all the best. Take care!

Letter #: 455070
Category: Dating/Relationship

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