Mom won’t accept my trans BF

We plan on moving in together but my mom refuses to meet him.

Be patient, says our elder. She may come around in time.

Dear EWC

I’ve been dating a guy I met online for about nine months. We started off as friends, me knowing full well he was transgender (ftm) and had only been on testosterone for a few months and had already had top surgery. I’m a straight female, but only see him as male and treat this like every other heterosexual relationship. We’ve fallen in love and plan on moving in together. However my mom completely disapproves of our relationship. I find this disheartening because my mom and I are very close. I’ve tried explaning my feelings towards him, and that I’m not bisexual or a lesbian, I love him for his attitude and that he makes me very happy. But she sees it as him being a “liar” for not being truthful of his gender and denying his biology, and fears he’s sexually disturbed and kinky. She tells everyone that I’m a lesbian now and have a girlfriend. She’s even gone as far as refusing to meet him or let me say anything about him. How can I convince her that he’s not any of that, or should I just let her think what she wants and hope she’ll come around?

Caring-Friend replies

Please try to put yourself in your mother’s place. Not everyone accepts gender fluidity as viable. Your mother, being older than you, might very well be in that group. You see a soul in a body that, according to your boyfriend, was not the right gender to begin with and has now been altered to align with their mind and identity. To your mother, your boyfriend was born female and will always be female no matter his appearance. I believe it is a defense mechanism that she is telling everyone you are lesbian. Most people today are very accepting of same sex relationships. She is trying, in her own way, to stay connected with you but is possibly struggling very hard to wrap her head around what you’re telling her. Please extend her some grace and patience. As for meeting face to face, it might be best to stay in loving contact with your mom and work at keeping that intact. With time, she may come around to seeing this relationship the same way you do.

Letter #: 452109
Category: Dating/Relationship

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